Running Around for No Reason

Gift Guide - Affordable Ladies Edition

2011-12-07T08:52:00.001-08:00

I wish I knew how/cared enough to put my pictures into a fancy little organized and numbered thingy like some fancy bloggers do. But I don't. Really, I just don't care. Here are some super sweet gifts on the smallish side for the ladies. Feel free to buy me any of these items!


C'est La Vie mug via Urban Outfitters


Owl Cookie Jar via Anthropologie

Fingerless Gloves via Etsy - lots of other colors and styles!

Butterfly pillow via Etsy

Boatneck Tee via GAP

Velvet cosmetic bags via Pottery Barn p.s. The Bear gave me these last year and I LOVE them!

Thermal pj set via Victoria's Secret

I don't think my gift choices are especially exciting but then I'm a stay at home mama on a budget so I guess I feel like this stuff is more, uh, realistic? I can't tell you how many times I hear people say, "oh we're not doing gifts for each other this year", we are totally saying that this time around. But the truth is if we can swing it we'd all love to get something for the person we love the most. Or, you are doing gifts and want to keep is low profile. These are all something I'd get for my sisters, mothers, aunts, or friends and only the cute owl cookie jar exceeds $50.

Anyway, good luck if you are Christmas shopping this year! Happy hunting!

Bye Bye Boobies

2011-11-30T08:46:00.001-08:00

As the title might suggest this post is about breastfeeding, specifically about saying goodbye to breastfeeding *crie sob*. Kidding, I've been pretty much ready to wean my Mad for a few months now but she has not been a willing participant in the weaning process. Right now we're at this strange point where she will try to nurse in the night or mornings when she is sleeping on top of me anyway and I quickly wake up and offer her water or a binky (what did I say we got rid of that? Not so much).

My ultimate breastfeeding goal was 2 years, or whenever Mad was ready to be done if it was before that. When I first started nursing her as a newborn it was so difficult. During all those times I shed tears, and for a lot of moments at about 9 months, I never imagined we'd hit two years if it was always going to be so frustrating. Obviously we did, and then some.

Since her birthday The Bear has been asking, politely, about when I might wean her. Although I was soooo ready Mad made it pretty clear to the whole world that she was not about to get on board with weaning just yet. When I cut out her bedtime nursing session she took to falling asleep with her hands shoved down my shirt; not exactly the most gracious of alternatives. The less she breastfed the more attached she got to being skin to skin with me.

My snuggle bug happy to be in my arms

These days I wrangle her to sleep around 7:30 and somewhere between midnight and 2AM she crawls in bed with The Bear and I. It begins with a little hand, soft and cold, placed on my chest. Slowly she fidgets her way down into my shirt and she scratches and abuses my skin as she tries to find a comfy place for her hand. If I move it away and tell her "no hands" (my polite way of saying please don't squeeze mama's boobs!) she cries at me and rolls her whole body sideways trying to get her arms down my shirt while securing a spot on my chest to rest her head. If enough skin isn't exposed to fit her whole head she'll pull my top down until she has a resting spot. Pretty much the rest of the night is her rolling around trying to get comfortable, which she never really does, and kicking Mr. Bear in the head with her freezing cold toes.

What she USED to look like while sleeping with us

The good news is that I am REALLY close to having her totally weaned and she asks only when she is extra sleepy in the early early mornings. The bad news is that we are now stuck trying to figure out the whole sleeping space situation. It's a mess. If my previous paragraph doesn't convey that accurately enough let me assure you that IT IS A MESS!!! I am not rested and my body is sore and exhausted from wrestling my "cuddly" baby all night. The Bear, who was enjoying having her in bed with us for a while, is getting tired of being kicked with ice cold toes and getting no snuggles to show for it. Mad has this idea that she owns our bed and my body, which was kind of the opposite effect I was hoping for after the weaning process was done. Her desire to be close to me is so strong that she can't even watch morning television without being wrapped around me.

So, I'm stuck. I love my girl so so much and I want to find a way to respect her need to be near me (I love it too, really) without feeling beat on after a night of hardly sleeping. Somehow my thought was that age 2 would bring all kinds of physical space and restful nights, boy was I wrong!

Took this picture with my phone as I was editing this post and HAD to add it. I don't usually allow the binky unless she's asleep but she was crabby and I suck at saying no, OBVIOUSLY!

Sargent Pepper - holiday drink recipe

2011-11-29T14:35:00.001-08:00

While we were in New Orleans (how many posts will I write that start like that?) we found a number of delicious drinks that were all, inevitably, the most amazing we'd ever had. They are extremely creative with their drink recipes! Maybe it's just because we're from Utah or maybe we're just not drinking at the right places? Either way The Bear came home from that trip inspired to try something new and that is where this drink recipe came from. Technically this is not the drink he created.......it's my recipe that was inspired by his recipe that was inspired by New Orleans. But I let him name it (Sargent Pepper) as a nod to his creativity (aka he was extremely put off by my desire to claim this recipe as my own). The truth is I wouldn't be shocked if there is some official drink out there with similar ingredients but I've never seen a recipe so I'm claiming it as my own.

This drink calls for pepper infused vodka which, to my knowledge, you cannot just pick up at any ol' liquor store. It is REALLY simple to make, aside from the wait time. Which is kind of a bummer if you are reading this and want to drink it tonight. At the very least you have to wait 1 week, at the very most 3 weeks, but please hear me when I say it is SOOOO worth it. You can use it with a lot of drinks as a flavoring, a spicy Bloody Mary is my personal second favorite. Here is the recipe we used for the vodka but there are a lot of different recipes out there, perhaps one that doesn't require so much wait time? The instructions say 2-3 weeks but we felt like 1 week would have been enough if you're impatient. Also, use a mini food processor to grind the peppercorns (or a coffee bean grinder if you have one) to save yourself a lot of time.

So, after that lengthy introduction (you had 3 weeks to read it while your vodka infused so what's the big deal?) here we go with the drink that you most definitely need at this point! What you need : Vodka, the regular kind (any brand will do but I highly recommend at least mid shelf as the vodka flavor is a big highlight to your drink), pepper infused vodka, 100% cranberry juice....NOT cran-apple, fresh limes, tonic water.

Drinks taste better if you make them with holiday decor as a backdrop

Fill your glass with ice and then add 2 shots/ounces of regular vodka, a generous splash of tonic water, and fill with cranberry juice leaving room for another ounce of liquid without spilling over.

Squeeze a generous wedge of fresh lime and throw the remaining lime in the glass.

Don't be like Mr. Bear and use bottled lime juice, don't do it!!!

Add 1/2 ounce/shot glass of the pepper infused vodka....stir, taste, and add more if desired.

Don't let the muddy pepper vodka scare you....

Cheers!!!

Recipe:
2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. pepper vodka (I use closer to 1 oz but start with 1/2 and work your way up)
cranberry juice
generous splash of tonic water
1 lime
Add ingredients to glass, stir, drink. Winning!

Please try this and when you do I'm totally fine with you silently thanking me in your mind. If you make some adjustments feel free to totally re-name the drink and post it as your own on your blog. The Bear would be offended but no one plans on telling him. Speaking of my Mr. Bear.....here is his version of the drink. I'm unsure on the quantity of each ingredient so I'll just list them all.

Cranberry juice (still no cran-apple please)
Tonic water
Lime juice from a bottle
Sweet and sour mixer
Pepper infused vodka

So, you are switching fresh lime for bottled lime juice and adding the sweet and sour mixer.

Admitting the Good

2011-11-23T08:51:00.001-08:00

How do you feel about holidays? Me, well, I've always been a little been angsty and ornery about events where whole families are all supposed to gather in one house and then be happy about it. You can see my past sufferings of holidays here, here & here. Although the reasons have changed since finding Mr. Bear and birthing my sweet daughter I still don't especially love the idea of being sequestered in a house with too many people (too many is more than just The Bear The Baby & myself) for several hours but I always end up enjoying myself.

And the thing is? I have SO much to be grateful for. Why, right this very moment I'm feeling thankful for french press coffee & Winnie the Pooh on dvd. Other things I'm so very thankful for?

♥ Mr. Bear. He brings so much good to my life. He is my rock and my best friend and he always seems to know just the right things to say when I'm feeling down. Plus he cleans up the dead mice.
♥ Mad Maddie. Her love and near constant affection (seriously, she can't sleep unless her head is placed right next to mine and her arms are wrapped around me) make me feel like I've done something right in this life.
♥ My parents & Mr. Bear's parents. We are SO grateful to have our families near us and even more grateful that we love and enjoy their company.
♥ A warm comfortable home that I love. Many are lucky to have basic shelter and I never want to take for granted the amazing place I get to call home. If we lost everything and I still had my family it would be enough but the thought that people all over the country have lost their homes this year makes me even more grateful that I have mine right now.

I could go on. But I won't. I know there was nothing overly deep or introspective but right now I'm just feeling so grateful for this life and all the people that come with it.

My mama with my Mad on her first Thanksgiving

Inevitable

2011-11-21T22:15:00.001-08:00

♥ that my house will turn to shit 5 minutes after I clean it.....but I keep (sort of) doing it anyway.
♥that my kitties will want to snuggle for the first time all day when I finally decide I need to leave my comfy chair and get things done.

Begging for scratches just this morning

♥that as soon as laundry is all the way completed it will need to be done again.
♥that my baby will sneak into my bed around 1AM and I won't even notice because that's how it is.
♥that there will always be a dish waiting line to get in the dishwasher.
♥ that Mr. Bear will wake up and proclaim how tired he is even if he slept in later than me.
♥that I will think I'm too fat just one short day after feeling like I might be ok with the way I am.
♥that if I don't have a baby sleeping on me I have a cat sleeping, purrrrrring, and shedding on me and eventually deciding that my legs aren't good enough, a face is a much more comfy and attentive sleeping spot.

My other OTHER bed companion

♥that holidays will come, I will dread them, and then I will be happy and grateful to have them.

One of my two reasons every bah humbug holiday is happy

♥that family will make us laugh.......and cry.

p.s. Mad decided she could count to six today. It was so cute. I can't upload my funny video because I don't know how to move vid's from my phone to the computer. Dash it all to hell!

Wedding News Clip

2011-11-20T20:30:00.001-08:00

After our ceremony in New Orleans a local news channel caught up with us for a little chat. Here's a link to the page featuring our video clip. It was soooo uncomfortable, I won't lie, but kind of fun to watch now that it's over with.

11-11-11 An Event

2011-11-18T09:11:00.001-08:00

I really really love Mr. Bear. We have a beautiful daughter and have built a wonderful life together. So this happened.......

Terrible self portrait our first night in New Orleans

Jackson Square

Our hotel room before the ceremony. OUR ceremony. I'm stressing big time

Beautiful last minute floral arrangement

Handsome last minute fly in guest/witness, my BIL

I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day for Mr. Bear and I. We've waited a long time to do this so it could be easy to sneak away from our Baby Bear for a while and not feel too guilty. I did anyway. Especially after the trip had an accidental surprise miscalculation of dates and I was a wreck for several hours. But this day, it was absolutely perfect.

Some people like big weddings. I had a beautiful big wedding the first time around, as did Mr. Bear. Unfortunately the ending to that wasn't quite as beautiful. So we opted for a somewhat spontaneous elopement ceremony in New Orleans. About a month before we arranged plane tickets, hotel rooms, minister, photographer, and bought a dress and suit. Ok, the clothing ended up being really last minute but worked out perfectly despite my stress. The afternoon before the ceremony I called up a local floral shop, Nola-Flora, and ordered a small arrangement put together from some of the extra flowers they had from other weddings. The Bear's brother flew in last minute to be there with us, our only guest aside from strangers walking down the street. We met the photographer and minister in Pirates Alley on the afternoon of 11-11-11 and in 5 minutes we were married. The only thing I would have loved is to have my Mad there with us but we couldn't take her along and have a romantic trip alone at the same time. I missed her but this was exactly what we needed.

In a few weeks I'll have pictures from the photographer, these are just uploaded from my phone......I couldn't wait to share.

Gift Guide Introduction

2011-11-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

Now the Halloween is over and we are pretending that Christmas is the next big holiday (J/K guys, not at my house, I just put up the 3 Autumn decorations I had in storage and, not to toot my own horn but I really made those things stretch with my new Autumn friendly paint job. Even if The Bear doesn't consider yarn balls to be legit decor....) I've been thinking about gifts for the loves in my life. Obviously the kitties will be getting treats galore, or lumps o' coal if they have any accidents in the house while I'm MIA in New Orleans this month....more on that later.......and anything infused with cat nip, crazy cats, but I really want to make my dollars count for Mad this year and of course the most difficult person to shop for....Mr. AngryBear himself.

I'd been searching for ideas online and then, after Mr. Bear started talking about finding time to go to the gym without missing out on family time or sleep, I suggested we put our couples Christmas money towards some primo exercise equipment instead. We've been wanting to do this for a long time, but it's a big investment just any old time of the year. So, although I insist we still need a Christmas outfit and a stocking, he and I will be getting in shape for each other this year (I have a head start on him, another post for another day, hey oh!). Luckily for me the easiest stuff to buy for men fits in a stocking! Kind of like my "Melissa's Must Have's - Summer Edition" I'm going to throw some posts together throughout this month based on gift giving. Hopefully I'll have at least one for each of the following, men, women, toddlers, babies (just for fun, cause baby stuff is so extra cute), and female family (cause women who aren't me might like something other than what I put in my women section....mostly thinking mother's and younger sister siblings).

I haven't really had time to pull together all of my Men's Items just yet but I wanted to leave you with this little guy.....

{Fishscape Fish Bowl via The Conran Shop}

I love this fish bowl! Fish have that relaxing effect on people who aren't creeped out by them (ME!) and don't underestimate the power of a little fish when it comes to company at a lonely desk. If you don't have children yet this is a great way to introduce responsibility without having a dog to care for when he stops doing it a few weeks after Christmas....

Happy Halloween!!!

2011-11-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

Today we woke up to snow. Thanks November 1st for being the exact opposite of the month of October from the very start. It makes me appreciate how perfect October was, more than I already did.

Now for my Halloween photo dump. It was a perfect night in Utah for Trick or Treating. There were loads of kids and we got rid of almost all of our candy. I wish every year was like this. So. Much. Fun.

Last year as Tinkerbell. OMG she was so teeny tiny!!!

Snow White was actually a blonde

"Mo Canny!!!"

Escape from the mama

Scary daddy, impatient Maddie

A little nervous going to the first house

Tired eyes on my sweet girl

French Press Coffee - an informational post for the best coffee you'll ever make in your own kitchen

2011-10-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Coffee is my survival and I don't believe in settling for just an average cup o' joe in the mornings. This is why, for a while now, I've been wanting to share how I brew the yummiest french press coffee every morning in the comfort of my own kitchen. I'd like to take credit for all of this but I have to say that my dad taught me everything I know about french press, so I guess technically this post is courtesy of him....but I'm pretty much an expert myself by now.

Obviously you need a few things to start the process aside from the regular coffee ingredients. Namely a french press. I use a bodum like the one I linked to because it is easy to clean and pretty durable but you can get them at any kitchen store or even your local Starbucks or other coffee chain in a variety of shapes, sizes, and brands. You also need a teapot to boil water, and a coffee bean grinder. I do not recommend making coffee this way if you don't want to grind your own beans. There is a significant difference in taste from freshly ground to pre-ground.....the latter being inferior of course (let's be honest, I think you should grind your own beans no matter how you make your coffee, it's the coffee snob in me). So just do yourself a favor and invest in a good bean grinder (burr grinder NOT a blade grinder), you'll see mine, a hand me down from my dad that has been going for years and years.

Ok, now that I'm done blathering on about the details of equipment I'll get started. I've seen a few french press tutorials around the internet but they are all pretty similar to what the instructions tell you and for me that results in over brewed coffee.

Get your water boiling while you pull out the rest of your coffee equipment.

Water boiling, bodum french press, stir stick, and coffee grinder

When the water is ready turn off the burner and while you let it cool down from a boil grind the beans. This part is up to interpretation and preference really and can take a little bit of experimenting to get it to your taste. I don't even measure my grinds I just give the dial a full turn and that is the perfect amount. I'd say 2 T. per cup, less if you are using a darker coffee, more if you use light. Dump your beans in the french press and give it a shake to even them out. I didn't take a picture of this so hopefully you get the idea.

Now pour a small amount off water on your grinds, just covering them so that they foam up a bit. Let this sit for 20 seconds or so. This step supposedly releases the fumes so your coffee tastes better. I did it for years without this step and I swear to you it started tasting better than ever after I added it in. So I guess you could not let it foam, but I don't recommend it.

A good foam shot

Once the 20 seconds is up fill the remainder of your press while stirring with the end of a wooden spoon. I use the handle from a broken spatula, as long as it's wood it doesn't matter. Do not use a metal or plastic spoon! Continue to stir the water and grinds for a full minute.

I once asked my dad if I could skip the full minute of stirring. I still do it so you can guess what the answer was.

After that minute is up continue to let it brew, untouched, for another 2 minutes. Any longer and it is over brewed so I recommend getting an egg timer because 2 minutes goes a lot faster then you would think. So, that is 3 minutes and 20 seconds of total brewing time.

Isn't it beautiful?

Adjust the lid on the coffee (I think I'm the only person that leaves the lid off while it brews, I think it tastes better this way) and slowly press the handle down until the filter reaches the bottom. This is when you will know if you used too many grinds. The handle should go down with a little resistance. If it is hard to push down or if water squirts out the top you have too many grinds or are using too fine or too coarse of grinds (take that as a lesson and adjust your settings next time, remember which setting works best as every grinder is different).

Coffee is messy, I use a towel unless my kitchen needs to be cleaned anyway...because I'm lazy.

Pour your coffee and add your cream, sugar, honey, whatever you like in coffee....or leave it naked if that's your style. I love the Organic Farms vanilla flavored half and half. It's so much better than your average coffee creamer but I know my dad would say that a good cup of coffee doesn't need anything more than half and half. To each their own I suppose.

I personally feel like my morning coffee mug is a reflection of how I feel that day. It's a very important choice.


Flavored half and half means no extra sugar and that makes me feel like I'm being healthy haha

Here are bulleted instructions for those who do not want to read all my excessive details.

What you need :

Wooden stir stick
Whole coffee beans
French Press coffee maker
Burr coffee bean grinder
Tea Pot
Coffee mug
Cream and sugar (optional)

Bring water to a boil
Grind beans while water cools (1 1/2 -2 T. per cup with a coarse grind)
Add grinds to press
Barely cover grinds with water and allow to foam for 20 seconds
Fill remaining press with while stirring with a wooden spoon handle and continue to stir for 1 minute
Leave coffee to brew for 2 additional minutes, untouched
Adjust lid and press handle down into the brewed coffee
Drink coffee!!!

French press coffee is much stronger than your average cup of coffee so if you are usually a 2 or 3 cup drinker you should think about cutting back. I have one cup in the morning and sometimes 2 around lunch time or I save the extra for the next day and reheat it. Yep, I'm fancy like that.

Happy 2 Years

2011-09-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Madeleine,

Today is your birthday. Two years ago I was holding you in my arms in a hospital bed, looking at you, knowing you, loving you. I thought you were beautiful then but, oh, I had no idea how beautiful you would become. How much my heart would melt when you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and called me "mama". How big my smile would be when I watched you play with your daddy, his little twin. How peaceful I would feel when you curled into my arms for a snuggle and I could breathe in the scent of your soft hair.

Mama and Mad a few hours after birth

Life with you is never, ever, boring. You have a million things to say and get so frustrated when I ask you to repeat yourself until I can actually figure what you are talking about. Everything is GO and RUN from the moment you wake up. I treasure the moments you decide you need to come to me for a "mama hug" and I can bundle you up in my arms and squeeze you tightly.

My one year old Mad

Happy Birthday my angel girl. Mama loves you to the moon, and back.

My great big piggy tailed 2 year old Mad

*more Mad heavy posts to come during the week ahead......

Back, with balance

2011-09-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I realize I've been MIA for that last month. I'm pretty sure I've missed you (this blog and my reader aka my mom) more than you've missed me.

We have a bit of a drama queen on our hands

The truth; I was getting a little distracted by technology and, added to the fact that there was A LOT going on in our lives that was causing both The Bear and I a lot of heartache, I just felt like I wasn't being the wife and mama that I should be. The overwhelming sadness, anger, & frustration of things combined with the distractions of the internet that I used to avoid doing what I needed/wanted to do, had put me far behind. So, I gave some of it up for a while. For over a day I gave all of it up but when I was out with my sister dropping cars off and she got lost and couldn't call me....well, let's just say my AngryBear wasn't too pleased with me and insisted I take my phone with me going forward. That day without caring about anything else but what was right in front of me? It felt really good.

Now The Bear and I feel a little more calm and content, and I think it's safe to say we are stronger and loving each other more than ever, I feel a little more capable to handle distractions without letting them take over. Time management isn't my best trait and so as long and I somehow manage to keep a healthy balance there is no reason I shouldn't do the things I really enjoying doing for myself. Like being a blob on the computer!

And finding time to pamper my "Queena", as she calls herself

Life is crazy around here, with or without the extra distractions.Our home is full of love and chaos and the end of every day leaves me completely spent. I haven't felt so in need of a regular mama break since Mad was just a little newborn crying, pooping, and throwing up all the time. The last few weeks I've been choosing to work on my own schedule, doing things that make me happy instead of the things that always have to get done every day no matter how many times I do them (ie. dishes, laundry, bed making, picking up toys etc). I've reorganized pantries, worked on some projects, thrown away or donated the excess in our life, and attempted to keep the throw pillows on the couch more tidy than they usually are, although you'd never know it since everyone else seems to be working against me. Priorities amirite? It's safe to say that if you walked into my house at any given moment there would still be a play room full of baskets turned upside down, a sink full of dishes, and a baby still in jammies. But, I'm finding peace (don't I always say that?) with the way things are.

Somehow while eliminating things I also acquired others. This is Callie, she adds to the chaos for sure.

Finding Balance During Changes

2011-08-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

For the last week and a half I've been volunteering at the Breastfeeding Cafe (coordinated with World Breastfeeding Week for the first week). That has kept me pretty busy and seeing that I'm giving about 4 hours a day, between driving and volunteer time, it's safe to say that I have a new appreciation for mama's who work out of the home, even part time. Whew! I'm tired and cranky at the end of the day and I have had no desire to do any of my usual chores. Add to that the fact that there are several OTHER reasons I have been a little bit down and lacking the energy and desire to do my duties and you can only imagine what a wreck my life is right now.

Volunteering has been wonderful and I'm so glad that I took the time this year to do it. It's bittersweet because I'm fairly certain that this will be the last year, possibly one of the last months, I'll be breastfeeding my sweet Mad. I know I WANT another baby, deep down anyway, but there is no guarantee that when the time comes we'll decide to go for another or that we'll even be able to have another. We were lucky with Mad and I know so many people struggle with infertility everyday so I don't want to count my eggs before they hatch (eggs before they fertilize??? Overshare??????). So, in my mind I have to imagine the possibility that I am close to being done with breastfeeding forever. Cry. Seriously.

I love breastfeeding. I love the beauty of it, the bond, the closeness, I love the incredible rush I STILL get from being so close to my baby even after almost 2 years. People talk about the oxytocin you produce when you are breastfeeding your newborn but no one ever told me that 2 years later the feel of her little hand on my skin, her breath on my neck while she sleeps, would still give me such a physical reaction. It's the reason I think I'm so completely obsessed with her, why I hate to leave her for long, she's my drug.

All this aside I know that emotionally I am ready to hang up my breastfeeding badge for a while. It might be some time before I convince Mad that she is done as well but I know it will be a peaceful movement eventually and it will be at a time that is right for both of us. I doubt this is the last I will write of it because as of today she is still nursing SEVERAL times a day and loving every minute of it. We aren't even close to me being able to politely tell her no without a mini breakdown (but it is getting better). I guess I'm her drug too.

I can promise that even when we are done with our breastfeeding relationship we will continue on with our attached life. Just now I snuggled her down for a nap (in her big girl bed, which is a story for another day) peacefully, her legs wrapped around me, her head snugged right into my shoulder where she likes to fall asleep, until she was silent and ready, and warm enough, to roll into her own space for the next two hours. I think toddlers are even more clingy (in a good way) at bed time than infants. I'm positive that I rock her more now that I ever did as an infant and I'm ok with that. This is one of the reasons I didn't want to have babies close together. I don't want to sacrifice my snuggle time with her to rock and cuddle a fussy newborn. I want it all dammit!!!

The clock is ticking as I write this and there are a million things (literally) to do before she wakes and we head up for another volunteer shift. So that is that.

Where I Overshare About Meal Planning

2011-08-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

I fail at a great many things when it comes to being the perfect stay at home mom/wife and if I think about it too much, as I usually do 10 minutes before climbing into bed, I start to feel overwhelmed and guilty. I know there are women out there who do it all, who have time for it all, who never seem to worry about picking one thing over another but I'm not that woman. If I have a clean kitchen you can bet my master bathroom hasn't been deep cleaned in a great while. If the kitchen is messy? You can DEFINITELY assume my bathroom is even worse condition. I am always behind on laundry, honestly I want to know how everyone doesn't feel that way, and I dread the day I have to mop the wood floors. Beautiful? Yes, but so exhausting for such a temporary feeling (thank you toddlers!).

However, I really enjoy cooking. I'm not always great at it but I know I've gotten better. Because I don't eat meat and I love fresh food that doesn't come in a box, meal planning can be tiring and expensive. Hence the spoiled veggies sitting around my kitchen. Long complicated meals do not work with a toddler underfoot and days when I hardly have time to shower. Likewise cooking 3 different versions, baby meal, veggie meal, and meat hearty meal, made me hate dinner. Mr. Bear and I would argue about what to eat and when he just stopped wanting to eat dinner with us I was so ANGRY! I felt like I was failing at the one thing that was vital to my family's health. This year it has been my goal to really focus on meals, dinner specifically. If I fail at all other forms of good housekeeping cooking a dinner for everyone is the least I can do right?

Well I've found my meal groove and I can specifically say that a few cookbooks and websites get (almost) all the credit. I know I'm not the only mama/wife/lover of a good meal that struggles with what to cook so I thought I'd share my inspiration. I'll just say, in case you haven't heard this before, that everyone should really consider reducing the amount of meat they eat every week for the health of our bodies and our environment. Most of the recipes I use are easily adjusted to be vegetarian or are vegetarian to begin with. Food can still be satisfying without meat! Also, I'm not a main course with tons of sides type of gal. That means too many dirty dishes and keeping the kitchen while I cook is another part of my goal.

Great Food Fast is a cookbook I inherited when I met Mr. Bear. I'm sure it was purchased, and then left, by his ex and I'm totally ok with that. The whole situation was a win win for me! "From the kitchens of Martha Stewart Living" is always a good sign. We use this book more than any other and will likely continue to do so for a long time. When The Bear cooks he almost always picks this book up. Fast and easy is good for encouraging men to cook.

How to Cook Everything Vegetarian was a gift from The Bear. It's huge and seems overwhelming but the longer I cook the more useful it becomes. I'll probably never become a totally bake from scratch chef but it's so helpful for the things that I do want to make fresh in my kitchen. It's definitely a staple book for a vegetarian or veg-friendly kitchen. I use a lot of the information as a base for different meals which encourages me to uses my own brain more often in the kitchen. Still working on that.

{photo source : A Couple Cooks}

Ree Drummond is The Pionner Woman and if you don't have her site bookmarked you need to do it, like yesterday (or several years ago!). She has books out too but I love the personal feeling her blog offers. She funny and real and loves the beauty of food which I really appreciate. There are some more complicated recipes but it's easy to pick out the simple/budget friendly meals. The first recipe I ever made from her site was the Marlboro Man Sandwich. I made it recently for a family dinner and did a veggie version for myself. Her recipe plus veggies is great for meat eaters too!

{Photo: © Courtesy of The Pioneer Woman Cooks}

Last, for today anyway, is Pinterest. It might not make sense right away but most other users on Pinterest are searching for the same thing you are, simple, cheap, good in the belly, and unlike some of the crazy expensive dream shoe pins I see so often, meals get pinned and actually MADE. I've found some recipes from my friends (if it has the words ranch chicken in it I likely won't be re-pinning) that have all been great and I also will think of an idea that sounds good....search it....and find a recipe that is exactly what I was hoping for. All it takes is a little imagination and some foodie friends. P.S. Follow me!

I'm far from an expert in the kitchen but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've improved greatly by cooking often and learning how to find recipes that work for my budget, skill level, and food requirements. There are few things that give me more satisfaction than creating a meal for my family, call me crazy but it means a lot to me.

Any favorite recipes, cook books or cooking sites you'd like to share with this aspiring chef?

World Breastfeeding Week and Blogs about Boobs!

2011-07-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've been so happy to be involved in my local La Leche League as Mad grown older and I feel like I need to be surrounded by women that know, understand, and agree with my ideas of breastfeeding and parenting in general. To make me feel a little more "normal" you know?

August is almost here and that means World Breastfeeding Week is almost here too! I'm excited to support the events my local LLL groups have planned (I'm volunteering for several days at the SLC Breastfeeding Cafe so if you're local you should swing by and say hello!) and one of those events is a series of blog spots, a Blog Carnival if you will, by different bloggers. I don't really have time to post every day of the week so I offered to do a guest blog post on the main Cafe page. Today my post on Breastfeeding in Public (something you already know I'm a supporter of) is being featured so I hope you'll stop by and give it a read, if that interests you, and check out some of the other posts linked at the bottom.

Even if you aren't a breastfeeding mama, never were, and never will be (*ahem* men, we need your support too), there is more information than ever about the awesomeness that is breastfeeding so consider reading up. I hope by the time Mad has little babies of her own to nurse she is joined by a world that knows, loves, and supports breastfeeding mothers more than ever!

Evening Beverage - Fresh Mint Mojito

2011-07-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

One of my absolute favorite warm weather drinks has to be a fresh mint mojito (I specify fresh because if you order one at any random bar at any time of year it will be from something that is NOT fresh picked mint and yummy sugar water). At one time mojitos were drinks for poolside Vegas vacations but now that I'm all growed up and grow my own mint (and don't get days poolside or vacations in Vegas) they are a more frequent occurrence. A little bit of vacation on a busy mama day. So, I'm going to give you all a little mojito recipe that I use. There are a lot of recipes out there and this is the only one I've found I really love, passed down from my mojito loving mama.

The first step is to make a batch of sugar water. It's super easy and tastes a million times better than a sprinkle of sugar in the bottom of the glass. I make several cups at a time so I can have it sitting in the refrigerator when I'm ready for it but you can make as much or as little as you want.

Add 1 cup of sugar and 1 cup of water to a pot over medium high heat. I actually do about 4 cups at a time to last me a while (keep any extra in the refrigerator in a easy pour container, I use a sports water bottle!). The point here is to melt the sugar into the water to make a thick syrupy liquid. My mom just cooks it until it looks good, without bringing it to a boil. I like to heat it until I get a few good bubbles and then turn the heat down, stirring frequently, until the texture is nice and thick. It's basically fool proof as long as you stir it often. Once it's ready put it in your container of choice and refrigerate until cold. Or something close to cold if you are as impatient as I am!

Grab your ingredients, light rum, a measuring cup, sugar water, mint leaves (washed and dried), club soda and a muddler (both not pictured here).

Throw 11 or so mint leaves and a large lime wedge in the bottom of your glass. I love my mason jar glasses, they are pretty and the perfect size and shape for mixed drinks. Muddle it all together, I squeeze the lime juice in before I start this step to make sure it's nice and limey.

Add 2 oz. of light rum and 2 oz. of your sugar water, fill glass with ice and then add club soda (just fill the remaining space, whatever room is left is the right amount of room!).

Stir well making sure to get your mint leaves dispersed throughout the glass, garnish with a sprig of mint and enjoy! I can't drink without a straw but I guess that's not in the official recipe.

Pretty isn't it? Please note that tonic water isn't a good substitute if you run out of club soda before you're done getting your drink on (I learned the hard way!). Also, if you have kids that like a special drink or you want some mint goodness without the alcohol just omit that portion of the recipe for a yummy virgin mojito.

If you aren't growing your own mint then you need to get on that ASAP! It's almost effortless and will grow like CRAZY! I keep mine on a hot cement patio so I have it in almost full shade and water frequently. I'm telling you guys I cannot believe how much mint there is in my tiny little pot. I used tons for dinner and then enough for several drinks and you can't even tell I've touched the thing.

Fresh Mint Mojito

2 oz. light rum

2oz. sugar water

lime wedge

11 (or more) mint leaves

club soda

ice

Squeeze juice of a large lime wedge in the bottom of an empty glass. Throw remaining wedge and mint leaves in and muddle together. Pour in sugar water and rum. Fill glass with ice and pour club soda until you reach the top. Stir well, enjoy, and repeat!

P.S. If you are having a party and want to make a big batch just use this recipe x4 (for an average sized container). Everyone loves a mojito!

Day of Summer

2011-07-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

Summer is doing all the wonderful things to my life that I had hoped it would through those rough, and never ending, Winter months. The wait? It was so worth it! We play in the little blow up pool, weed our mini vegetable garden, swing, swing, and swing some more on our finally completed swing set. It's amazing. Mad and I have hot, crabby, tired days but more often, as she adjusts to the heat of Summer and learns that drinking endless cups of water helps, we have hot, fabulous, happy, days.

We gave Mad her first hair cut.

We took Mad to the Utah Hogle Zoo.

We clean and we nap. We laugh and we play. It's beautiful really. Already I find myself counting the days left of Summer. I wonder to myself how long the warm weather will stick around. Will we get an extra few weeks of shorts and sunshine? The year Mad was born it went from HOT to COLD so quickly. Before I knew it we were bundled up with the heater blasting and not one NOT ONE pair of adorable baby shorts were worn. Tragic really. I'm trying to focus on the now. To enjoy the time in the sun we have while it is here but it is so easy to get distracted. I want to spend every night out in the yard swinging and chasing around in the yard. That's my goal. Now. Unofficially. Maybe it's just a few minutes before bed or eating outside together as a family before the wind and rain pick up (on hot but rainy days) but I will make sure when the cold does come we are filled with the warmth of Summer for as long as possible. Now I'm off to make some simple syrup so I can have a mojito while I enjoy each evening!

Melissa's Must Haves (Summer Edition)

2011-06-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to compile this little list for a while now but I'm using the excuse that I'm too busy to sit down and really put it all together. Truthfully that's just a poor excuse for the fact I'm too lazy to charge my computer to write a list of really no worth whatsoever. I think of a lot of good openers for posts, posts that consist of more than the same blabberdy blah as everything else (my house is messy, my baby is cute/tired/sick/funny/naughty, I am sick, my laundry needs to be done, etc....), I don't ever pull my computer out and start that post. Or if I do I don't finish it and then my good writing moment is gone. Not saying I'm a good writer, just that sometimes it's better than other times. Anyway, this is what I'm calling "Melissa's Must Haves" and this is Summer edition because it's a list of things I've acquired this Summer that I am loving. A lot of it is Summer seasonal stuff but not all of it. If you have a must have list of your own please add it in the comments!

♥ colorful jams. I am referring to pjs for your kids but if you have none, or if you love sleepwear, then it works for adults too! I bought this Gap sleeper for way less than it is listed on the website, I think I paid $11 for it? Anyway, there is nothing more adorable after a long, sweaty, stinky Summer afternoon playing than a baby who is bathed, lotioned, and dressed in comfy cuties.

♥ Fresh herbs! I don't know how or why but I've waited until my 28th year (or is it called my 29th since I'm turning 29 this fall?) to plant and grow my own herbs. I've had other house plants that didn't last very long and the Summer before Mad was born I had flower boxes at our condo (they died when we went on vaca in late July) but always had some excuse for not having a little basil plant growing in my window. This year all that changed. I have basil, thyme, rosemary, pineapple sage, mint (mojitos anyone???), flat leaf parsley, and catnip. Aside from being useful in the kitchen (I'll dry some too and store it for the cold months) they smell fantastical on my front and back porches. And they are still alive which is really giving me some gardening confidence.

A fun variety of pots helps too. I have colored pots and some adorable brown terra cotta pots that were basically free at Lowes.

♥ Veggies. I don't have a picture of my vegetable garden, and at this point it's kind of blah to look at, but I'm having so much fun watching the progress on the vegetables we've chosen to plant this year. We only have one box so The Bear just picked a little of everything and we'll see what goes well and keep that in mind for next year. He has high hopes for the watermelon but I'm not going to hold my breath. If you don't have anywhere to grow veggies then head to a local Farmer's Market to enjoy the fruits of another man's labor.

♥ A place to drink in the evenings. If you don't drink then a place to do whatever it is you do to unwind. As long as that unwinding doesn't include cleaning. I picked up a cute "chat set" for the front patio with an Amazon giftcard we got with reward points. The space has some annoyances, like the uneven surface that makes the chairs sit a little crooked, but overall I love it. The cat loves to stalk bugs and birds while we sit and I like to over analyze all the things that are wrong with my front yard. The Bear plays on his lap top, Ipad, & smart phone all at the the same time.

♥ Awesome baskets. Remember my dream pantry? Well, I took another step in the right direction when I found and ordered several wire baskets online. The original organizing job I had done went down the drain a month or so after I finished it all and so I got the bug to get it back into shape, found the baskets, and VOILA! I'm so in love with these baskets! I want more for this space (different than what my dream pantry has going on but better for what I have IN my pantry), and a few to organize my linen closet all pretty. Everything looks so much better in a fun container than it does just sitting all blah like on a boring shelf.


I feel like this looks worse than the first picture because it's so full right now....and the top and bottom is a bit of a wreck still waiting for some TLC. But, in real life it looks way better. I swear!

♥ Flip flops...for obvious reasons. I say one cute pair of sandals and a few go to cheap but comfy pairs that can be worn around the house, in the garden, at the park, & out for errands. My cheap choice is always Old Navy flip flops. The kind that are rubbery and soft so they are so comfy to wear.

♥ Adirondack chairs. I got some colorful plastic chairs from Home Depot and while they will probably only last 2 or 3 seasons before they crack they don't have to be sanded or painted and with all the projects I have going on right now (the projects I'm not actually making progress on BTW) that is kind of important.

♥ Swings. A park swing, a tree swing, or an entire Costco swing set (like us) a swing is a Summer must have for any kid. Mad will spend hours swinging if I will stand there and push her that long. I love that she loves it that much. It's made all the work putting the damn thing together well worth it. I mean, the hard work of watching Mr. Bear do the building of course.

That's not really it but this is getting wordy so I'll stop now! If nothing else this has been fun for me to write. Next up, a picture list of all the projects I'm NOT working on but really do hope to finish in the next month or so if I can just get some quiet time to myself.....

*I just read this to edit it and stuff....cause we all know how much I care about proper punctuation....and stuff.....but despite the several run on sentences and need for additional commas I decided to leave it as is so I could properly reflect the exhaustion I am feeling tonight. Because of the cat. And the mouse. And the ear infection.

Too Tired to Come Up With a Title. for reals.

2011-06-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

You guys. I just have to say this. The last week of nights (does that even make any sense?) has been an absolute circus for this Bear house. I'm totally not even kidding. It all started over something so teeny tiny that you would almost not believe it (ok, you would)....a mouse. An itty bitty mouse. Seriously. Have you seen Coraline? It looked just like the circus mice, but probably even smaller! One night a week or so ago we discovered Mew (the cat, remember?) had a little mouse cornered in the hall. The Bear scooped it up in paper towel and let him go outside. One of the many things I super love about my Mr. Bear? His big ol' bear heart. He is so compassionate when it comes to animals of all shapes and sizes!

Anyway, that's the end right? This was for sure just a random event. Mew had just found this mouse in the garage so we'll put up traps or whatever and never worry about it again. That's what I was telling myself the next day while I was locked in the car, with Mad, sans shoes, while Mew chased another itty bitty mouse around the hallway. I actually called The Bear home from a work lunch (turns out he was test driving cars instead) to take care of the SURELY DEAD IN THE HOUSE mouse. However, the cat was snoozing and the mouse was no where to be seen, dead or alive.

Pest control came and set up super professional traps and told me that there was no sign of mice living in the house so that means they are coming from some random hole outside the house and entering our vents. NO BIG DEAL!!! That night I woke hearing the cat running around the bedroom like a crazed animal. I was tired and completely out of it so I shined my cell phone light on the floor where, you guessed it, I saw Mew chasing another tiny mouse around my bedroom. Mr. Bear got up, still in his sleeping stupor (which, I don't know if I've mentioned before but he can function completely while asleep and not remember a single thing the next day, kind of like the first 4 months of Mad's nightlife) and caught the mouse, again releasing it in the field outside our house.

Every night since then I have been absolutely petrified of Mew bringing a mouse up onto the bed and dropping it on my face, half alive. Because Mew just does.not.get.it. when it comes to my personal space at night. She will gladly sit on my nightstand taking a mini spur of the moment bath in my water cup before putting her nose to mine trying to check if I'm still awake (I AM NOW!!!) and settling down to bat at my hair until she falls asleep. I'm co-sleeping with my cat you guys. Anyway, several times a night now I wake from a dead sleep hearing Mew chase another mouse around the room. My heart will be beating out of my chest as I search wildly around the floor for a mouse, kicking my blankets in case it's been dropped at my feet, and waking The Bear only to be reassured that there is no mouse.

My energy level is suffering greatly from the lack of consistent sleep and nighttime stress and anxiety. I hear every little noise and I'm sleeping in genuine fear of waking up to another mouse incident. Last night around 2 AM Mew jumped on the bed and pounced right on my legs. It was a mouse attack! I bolted up and kicked my mouse infested blankets in the air, sending Mew flying across the room, mumbling incoherently and trying to catch my breath. It was just Mew's favorite mouse toy so, phew, I could go back to sleep. Except now my baby was crying in her bed. And she has a fever. And she's totally wired. And wants to roll around my bed instead of sleep. Of course as soon as she falls asleep Mew is mewing around my legs playing with her toy and attacking invisible mice leaving me exhausted and cranky in the morning just in time to take my feverish baby to the doctor, deal with multiple exhausted outbursts (her's not mine, but I totally wanted to), waiting 40 minutes at the pharmacy and then losing my keys. If I never hear the word mouse again it will be too soon.

Oh, she has an ear infection. Again. The third one this year. I'm convinced it's because the first infections never actually healed completely. Anyone have any magic tips for helping her little ear clear up once and for all?

P.S. I know the little mouse did try to come back, yet again, because I found it's teeny tiny dead body on my front patio. Ew!

The (frustrated) Mama in Me

2011-06-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

I lost my patience this morning with a little girl I call Mad. Even though I try to avoid writing too often about the frustrating times we are going through (terrible two's come early?) in real ACTUAL life those frustrating times are impossible to avoid. Lots of days are wonderful. She might throw a fit or two but it's nothing we can't handle. Other days end up like this one.

"Look mom, I don't have time for this, I've got better things to do, OBVIOUSLY!"

Mad wakes at the crack of dawn. Literally. 5:45 AM. I know it's before 6 AM if the sky has that lovely hazy color only captured as the sun is rising over the mountains. Since our mornings are pretty relaxed (lounge in bed watching Curious George and nursing) I don't mind that she wakes early. But by early I mean 6:30 because any earlier than that and she is a snotty wreck by 9 AM. Sure enough the moment the clock struck 9 the tears and fits began.

Somehow we managed to get through a couple more hours before....I. Just. Lost. It. Too many tears. Too many hits. Too many kicks. Too many "DOP MAMA!"s (STOP MAMA!)for the day. If you have ever had a toddler you know that there are days. Unwelcome, overtired, cranky, crabby, awful no good days when no matter how many times you look into their eyes and ask for a "nice" voice they just don't even acknowledge you and go right on screaming, kicking and hitting their way through the day. And on some of those days we mama's just aren't the perfect women we want to be. I picked her fit throwing self up and took her to her bed. After I calmed down a little, a moment was really all I needed, I went in to her with a binky and blankey and told her to lie down and nap. I wiped her snotty nose, but didn't pick her up and nurse her like I normally would have, stroked her wispy hair, and tried to hold back my own tears while she fell into a coma like sleep.

I left her sleeping soundly but couldn't get the pit out of my stomach. "I didn't even nurse her!" was all I could think to myself. Not surprisingly I snuck back in the room, picked up her heavy toddler body and nursed her. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and buried her face into me. This little person makes me weep with love and even now, hours later, I feel so frustrated with myself for losing my cool. I'm not the first mama in the world to get frustrated with their child, of course, but it's not what I want to be as a parent. It's difficult to find patience and love in these situations but what my daughter needs is for me to step outside of my own anger and exhaustion and try to "listen" to what she needs. As a friend once said, their love tank needs to be filled, and then MOST of the time it gets better.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will fill her love tank up until it is bursting and show her that I can be patient and hold her hand while she lets out her emotions (but, she still can't hit me).

Memorial Day outing to Ikea, one of our favorite mama and Mad day trip destinations.

Confessions

2011-05-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

When Mad was still my little Baby Bear, about 10 months old, I was just starting to get back into the swing of things as far as cleaning, laundry, & oh you know REAL LIFE goes. I wrote about it a lot and here is one example. About that same time Mad was still napping 3 times a day for 45 minutes to an hour each time. The last nap of the day I allowed myself to sit on the bed and browse the computer, read, nap, or just do whatever I felt like I needed to do for myself. When you have a baby that seems like a foreign concept because every inch of your body and soul belong to that little being.

Still, I felt guilty about that time and felt the need to justify it to The Bear. Basically, I imagine he's upset about things and I get all defensive and stuff. Poor guy. ANYWAY, I was telling him that I felt like I worked hard all day, cleaning, cooking baby meals, playing, teaching, doing all the stuff that mom's do, and when that last nap time came I deserved to spend some time for myself not working hard. I can't recall the exact words he used but in a nutshell he said that it was fine but he didn't think most people got that time in their work day. Insert fiery, burning, flames of rage igniting behind my eyeballs.

Never mind what he was ACTUALLY saying (I've never quite figured out what his point was exactly but it wasn't meant to illicit such an offended reaction from me aka he wasn't meaning to be mean) I was entirely focused on my own interpretation. Apparently it's a habit with me. To me he had just said I was lazy and didn't deserve any time to sit quietly by myself because people who work at "regular" jobs never get a break for themselves! As if! If I had been thinking like a sane human being I would have laughed and asked him what he read on Engadget that afternoon and then I would tell him about his co-workers updates they had Facebooked earlier....while they were "working" without a break. I'm sure we fought about that one. Or I was mad and didn't speak to him until the next morning. Either way, me now is laughing at me then. Because this morning we had to talk about how I left him without clean undershirts and he was going to have to do his own laundry. And napping with Mad is a regular occurrence in my life. So is eating cheesecake for breakfast. I've welcomed the lazy in my life and I'm, mostly, ok with that. That is my first confession. It is kind of related to my third. But not really, I just wanted to tell this story.

Me being lazy with my leggy blond snuggled next to me.

My second makes me really sad to confess publicly. You remember that sweety sweet dog we adopted? Well, it just didn't work out. Yes, we were that couple who got a dog and then had to find a new home for him. He was so sweet and tender, and he loved The Bear sooo much. Too much. There was a constant struggle between he and Mad over attention from him and the poor doggie just didn't understand his actual HUGE size. The anxiety over Mr. Bear's affection didn't get better with time and when a baby is concerned there isn't a whole lot of wiggle room in the time department. We found him a home with two loving parents who had been searching for this exact dog breed at this exact age and for that exact price (free with all accessories included). So, with lots of tears we let him go with instructions to let him sleep in their bed and give him lots of hugs and made them promise that if he was too much they would call us. They didn't. I'm happy that he is happy. This leads me to my third confession.....

Mad loves every kind of animal. She has gotten so good with our parents dogs (there are 7 between the two houses!) and spoils them with unwanted affection and (very much wanted) table scraps. I wanted her to have her own pet to love and care for so when The Bear gave an opening I agreed to let he and Mad get......a cat. I know what you're all thinking. Ok, well, I don't, but I know what I'M thinking when I write that. I'm allergic to cats. As in, itchy eyes and hives if I have too much contact, nothing major BUT STILL! I don't even like cats, I think they are weird. That is how much I A) love my animal loving daughter and B) love my self proclaimed cat lover AngryBear. We agreed to look and see if there was one for adoption that was the right fit for us. There was, and now we have a 2 year old cat. Carly, I know if you're reading this you are totally disgusted with me (and amazed that I would do such a thing!) but Mew, that is what we named her her since that is all Mad will call her, is fairly easy going and non-offensive in all the normal "things I hate about cats" ways. Am I trying to convince you or me? Both maybe?

Meet Mew. She likes to sleep on our kitchen chairs.

We've had her for several days now and I'm ashamed to say that she hasn't bothered me one little bit and has molded right into our lives like she's always been here. She loves me. A lot. I don't know why but I'm guessing it's because we have one thing in common, she's lazy. She napped through two nap times today, in the baby's room, without making a peep. If I HAVE to have a cat she is the cat to have. And that, friends, is my big confession. I never ever ever thought I would have a cat. Ew. See below for why it is totally worth it.

"Hi Mew, hi Mew!"

"Oooooohhhhh Mew!"

Angel or Devil?

2011-05-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

Rather than write about how this angelic face has tested my patience morning and night for the past few days I will remember the delight in her eyes while she pulled weeds in the yard this weekend. I will remember the squeal of laughter when her daddy gave her a bath in the late evening hour. I will remember that every tantrum means a long hug in my lap, her tear stained face pressed against my chest, her small hands stroking my arms, her little chest rising and falling as she calms down in my embrace. Instead of recalling the times I lost the battle against my own patience (news flash, I have none) for the millionth time I will recall all the moments I took a long breath and looked at her frustrated little face asking her to help this mama understand what she needed. Those were the moments I won.

Mothering a willful toddler is tough work. This afternoon, after a nice long nap, she woke with a frown. I rattled off a list of things we could do after a diaper change (aka HELL on Earth, for both of us). All of my suggestions were met with a scowl and a shake of her little chubby face. Finally we settled on a snack, only she didn't want to sit in her chair to eat the snack, she didn't want to share my arms with the makings of a snack, and she didn't want to actually eat the snack. So, I sat down beside her and took her bowl of fruit for myself. I ate her pears, exclaiming how delicious they were, and let her pick each piece out for me to eat. I made some toast, one of her favorite snacks, and smothered it in peanut butter and raspberry jam, a recently discovered treat. By the end of our snack time she had eaten half the pears and one piece of toast. Everything on her terms, this is how our house is run.

I call her my sweetest baby, my darling daughter, my small angel, and she is all of those things. Lately it just takes a little extra time to look beneath the furrowed brow into the eyes of a frustrated baby who just wants to have things go her way. Inside I feel the same way so I can hardly blame her.

The Sweetest Things

2011-05-13T11:05:00.001-07:00

Has it really been 2 weeks since my last post? How am I supposed to keep up with my own thoughts if I don't even write them down! I guess it's a mixture of busy and lazy. I'm busy during the day and lazy at night. And I'm honest all the time, thank God!

When it comes to motherhood I really jumped in head first. I love my Mad, she is,without a doubt, my world and I love being that mother who never regrets all the vacations I potentially miss out on because I don't enjoy leaving my baby. Sometimes I know The Bear wishes I didn't have so much anxiety about having her away from my arms overnight. Both of our mother's are likely tired of hearing my long lists the few times we do leave her for a night. I know that the intense anxiety at the thought of being away is something only I truly understand. That is ok with me. I don't wish to change it completely but I do try to take control of my anxiety and let her go for enough time that my Bear can feel important too.

So, last week we packed our bags, and Baby Bear's bags too, for a few days away. This is the second time since she was born but for 4 nights instead of 2 (she stayed 2 nights with my family and 2 nights with the Bear's. I know his brother would appreciate me mentioning that he is an excellent overnight sitter and is adored by our Mad). We drove through the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California (let's not reminisce about how long of a drive it was!) to a little area in Amador County for much appreciated R&R (rest and relaxation, you know). A sweet bed and breakfast with our own cottage (shared with another friend couple of ours), 3 days of wine tastings, and quaint small town living (and by quaint I mean everything closes at 4 PM and from that moment on the only people you see are in one of the 3 restaurants or other tourists who didn't get the closing time memo) really recharged our parenting batteries.

It was beautiful and quiet. I drank several cups of coffee every day, the first delivered to my door at 7:30 every morning (which was perfect because I couldn't stay asleep past 7AM), ate until I practically exploded and....pumped a lot of milk, which The Bear says is not really the kind of information people really want to know when you have a 20 month old still nursing baby, but I'm pretty sure I don't care. Did I mention how beautiful it was?

I could look at this view forever! Although I could do without all the driving on winding roads to get there. The quiet in the air is something I am not accustomed to at all and it gave me such pleasure to hear only the wind blowing rather than cars speeding past and construction trucks grumbling all the day long. You don't realize how noisy the world is until.....it isn't. You don't realize how many buildings there are until you see none. You don't realize how annoying all the rushing and planning is until you don't have to do either. On a side note, I'm not sure that our traveling companions enjoyed this trip as much as The Bear and I did. I'm trying to feel bad about it because I'm sure everyone else might not find out company as enjoyable as we do ourselves, but I can't really because there was nothing stopping someone from just enjoy what was. Relaxing while the time is there and available to you.

I'm glad to be home. I'm enjoying the day to day chores that I was feeling burnt out on before (though you might not know looking at my house/disaster area!). The sun has come out and the days are beautiful again; it was a long Winter in Utah this year. My garden might actually get weeded before Fall comes and my Mad has never been happier than she is putting about the yard like the little princess that she is. I know I'm a lucky woman to be surrounded by happiness and love in my home. My Bear and my Baby Bear fill my heart (I'm a broken record, I know) and I happy to be here, appreciating this life, and them.

Enjoying This Moment

2011-04-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

I spent the last 24 hours in the hell that is (probably) food poisoning or a 24 hour flu. I haven't thrown up that much since I was a kid. Hell. Seriously. Thanks to my sweet Mr. Bear I have a clean house and today I am relaxing and totally enjoying this.....

In lieu of any real sort of post for the past week (making up for it after the fact?) I thought I'd send you all over to one of my regular reads to a post about parenting. Somewhat related to the "clean house" statement I just made. Normally I really like Cjane's ideas, for as different as we may see the world (she also happens to be related to one of my absolute most favorite college teachers so that gives her a leg up in my book), but this particular post I somewhat disagree with.

Particularly the first and last quotes she mentioned.....for as much as I try to get things done around my home I value time spent with my daughter a lot more than I value time spent scrubbing kitchen counters or having an immaculate garden. A clean house is a happy house, YES, but I will clean my house every day, (practically) for the rest of my life, and I only have a few years where my baby will want me to color alongside her all morning long. Plus, even for someone like me who has a child that wants to be attended to almost constantly, there are plenty of hours where I am hands free. Morning play (when she doesn't seem to notice her solitude), naps, kitchen cleaning while she eats (sssssllllloooooowwwwwly!), and bed time. If I WANT to get it all I can, maybe not as perfectly as I would always like, but, clean enough. Usually I'm the one holding myself back (lazy much?). Anyway, maybe it's an excuse to get out of constant chores but I know very few women (none actually, but I'm sure they are out there), with all their children grown and gone, that don't wish they would have put the cleaning aside to really enjoy their babies more often. I don't want to have that regret.

Avoiding

2011-04-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Avoiding. Lately that's all I've been doing.

Like now. I'm justifying sitting at the computer during nap time because :
♥ The kitchen is (mostly) clean
♥ I've already decided against washing my hair today (should I have kept that a secret? Probably not because if you see me out in public you'll be able to tell by looking at my rat's nest!)
♥ I made the bed once this week and that is enough
♥ I just don't feel all that pressed to do anything above and beyond today

The reality is :

♥ I need to clean up my morning coffee mess (french press, while delicious beyond measure, does not make itself nor does it tidy up on it's own when I am done)
♥ I am always happier with a made bed, plus I'm less likely to get BACK IN bed if it looks pretty ♥ Laundry is, as always, piled up waiting to be attended to
♥ and basically there a millions of things I've been avoiding this week that need to be done

The reason almost all my blogging references cleaning, or not cleaning, is because when that is NOT what I want to be doing I generally end up here. Hoping I'll convince myself to do what needs to be done.

I don't consider myself a lazy person but, oh boy, have I been lazy lately! It started with a cold that last way too long. Now I've been feeling really un-rested and sore every morning (I can't find a good sleep position!) which makes me drag all morning. Once afternoon hits Miss Mad wants nothing more than for me to hold her or sit quietly and watch her do what she does (make messes). I know I sound like a broken record, I'm sorry! I want sun and more energy, is that too much to ask???

Truthfully I think it all really does have to do with the cold (weather not sickness, but that too I guess). It gets me down when the end of April is just around the corner and I am stuck inside with grey skies staring at me through the windows. Mad begs to play outside every time she passes the back door. My gardens are overrun with weeds that I ignored last fall when it started to get out of control. My body aches with lack of exercise (walks to the park anyone?).

So, I've been doing you all a favor by not writing more often. If I did it would all read exactly like the last dozen posts. I'll be better! Don't leave ok? I promise to be more interesting. In fact, The Bear and I have a delightful trip planned to (somewhere) in California to drink wine and be merry. I won't blog, yet, about how much I know I'll miss my Baby Bear and how I'm a little scared that she'll be sad without me. Because, and this is me not blogging about missing her, she and I have been really attached lately. She's my little buddy. See?

From a House to a Home

2011-04-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

The house is quiet. Like whoa. The Bear is watching a movie (likely one that I wouldn't watch with him aka something totally demented and awful) on his laptop, the dishwasher is going, the baby moniter is buzzing peacefully with no cries from the other end, and I am sitting in a comfy spot editing photos and drinking a glass off wine. Yes please! Did I mention my house is NOT littered with baby toys and garbage from dinner? Cause we cleaned. Impressive.

Today I took a trip with my Mad to Ikea. Lately that has been a good way to pass the time when I have some cash in pocket and ideas in my head. Truthfully I never leave with what I was searching for but I'm always happy with what I do end up with. Today it was pillows, kitchen randoms, bathroom randoms, & picture frames (hopefully some cute "after" images to come soon).

Speaking of shopping....I've actually been doing a lot of it lately. My favorite! We had a birthday party for my sister at our house and while The Bear and I were at Pier 1 shopping for some serving trays he offered to buy me the chair I've been coveting for several months now. It's more expensive than it was when I first saw it on sale but definitely still reasonable in my book. One off my biggest complaints in our home was the lack of color. Brown and beige was the name of the game. I've done my best to colorize tastefully but it can be overwhelming at times. The cost I mean. This chair looks so HAPPY in my "great" room. I call it a "great" room because it fits the bill of a kitchen and living area in one but it is just a normal sized space, nothing really GREAT about it's size.

Cutie pillow from Bedbuggs on Etsy, similar to this one

Additionally I found a dining chair that was a lone soldier and thus was discounted like crazy. I paid $40 for this pretty thing and it looks so sweet at my desk. Ok, so it wouldn't be comfortable if I sat there all day every day but because I only sit down intermittently throughout my day it's perfect. And cute too.

My goal is to finish our library slash temporary play room (until I'm ok with Mad going up and down the stairs and playing while I can't watch her constantly) in the next couple of months and then I'll move on to our hallways and master bedroom. Of course there are a million other little ideas I have for the "great" room but for now it's definitely in a good place. I really love adding fun items to my home and in the spirit of decorating I've added several design blogs to my feed. Anyone have any blog suggestions for me? Send them my way!!!

A Chance to Change?

2011-04-10T20:50:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been wondering a lot about my thoughts and ideas on parenthood and how, if I get the opportunity to do it again from the very beginning, I would do it differently (I am so so so NOT pregnant, not for a while I hope, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it).

First of all I would find a fairy to grant me three wishes and every single one of them would be that The Bear and I would agree on all parenting issues. That would basically have solved ALL of our contention the past 2 years of our lives together. I hate knowing that if we disagree one person is going to feel that they "lost" and perhaps their parenting opinions don't matter as much. Mostly that would be The Bear. He knows it and I know it. I don't love that it is that way but I'm not foolish enough to deny it. Somewhere in my heart I believe that if we both had supported* each other a little more the difficult months would have been easier to move through. I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly searching for a way that we both agreed with and just stuck to the same thing from day 1. There is no going back but I hope if we do it again some day there will be less debate on how and what to do and more action. Consistent and calm action.

Secondly, and this is a big one, I would stop WONDERING, out loud mostly, how to make my child do what I wanted and expected. The wondering led to discussions, which led to disagreement, which led to attempts at other ways, which led to frustration, which led to more disagreement, and ultimately led us back to the same thing I was doing in the first place. If I just did what my heart told me was right, without the tears (my own) because things weren't perfect and complaints of exhaustion and frustration, we would have moved through with less contention and those long months wouldn't have dragged on and on. I hate recalling all the conversations wherein I analyzed every little thing she did trying to figure out the best way to parent her (sleep, let's be honest, I've stressed about sleep this.entire.time). I would have been so much happier if I just stopped talking about it. In the end I am who I am and I can no sooner let her cry for hours on end when she just wants me close to her than The Bear can stop eating cake pops from Starbucks. It's part of who we all are...compulsive cake pop eating and all.

Sleeping with all of her things

Thirdly? Stop trying to control everything. I'm a control freak when it comes to my beloved daughter, I can't deny this even though I feel a little ashamed from time to time. Next time around I think it would ease a lot of that new baby pressure if I didn't freak out quite so much. Chances are The Bear is not going to snap her neck when he pulls her out of her bed for a diaper change but according to me it's a miracle Mad survived the first 6 months when he was in charge of her care. I won't stop missing my babies when I am away from them for even a moment, I won't stop sending huge lists of "how to's" when they go to Grammy (my mom) or Manna's (his mom) house, I won't stop describing every detail of how I get them to sleep, I won't stop loving them with every inch of my being....but I really hope that I can leave The Bear with our new baby without agonizing over the fact that he doesn't do things exactly the way that I do. Mad is proof that he did something right (a lot of things) because never has a little girl loved her father more than my Mad loves her daddy. He is the first person she looks for in the morning and business trips are getting so difficult now that she spends half her days asking "where he is?" until the moment he walks through the door. I love that because I love him so much too, so I totally get it. We both like shoes, shopping bags full of new stuff, and an AngryBear. Twinners!

But....if I didn't change a thing? Well, I have to think that despite all my (many) flaws I must have done something right. Because I made this (with a little help ;) and I think she is pretty.damn.amazing.

Playing in her hut. She loves this thing.

*The fact is, The Bear was so supportive of me and my choices, even when they didn't line up AT ALL with how he thought things should be done or what he was used to in his family. He might not always understand what I do, or why I do it, but he will always defend me. I really love that about him and it is just one more reason why I am so lucky to have him. I was the one who struggled to support any way of doing things that wasn't MY way. So, I fail, I'm working on it. I promise.

Sick & Tired of being Sick & Tired

2011-04-04T21:11:00.001-07:00

2011....the year of The Sickness. That's what it feels like anyway. I had a cold a couple of weeks ago that was followed by a persistent cough that has now turned into a full blown flu. Misery.

I'm trying to focus on the positive throughout this and here is what I came up with. So far I've lost 2 pounds from not being able to eat anything. That puts me 1 pound away from 20 pounds lost since November and 40 pounds lost since I had the baby. I know, 18 months to lose 40 pounds and I still have 20 (minimum) to go, not very impressive. Also, it snowed over 6 inches at my home here in Utah (in April!!!!!) on Saturday night but being so sick I can't get out of bed makes it a lot less frustrating to be stuck inside the house. Also, I cut my hair. Short. Not washing short, freshly cut, and styled by a professional, hair for 3 days is a lot less of a greasy mess than my old long doo. Along those same lines, washing and drying short, low maintenance hair is so much easier than long hair, especially when standing up makes you want to vomit.

Yes that is me in my bathrobe, in a bathroom, taking a mirror picture. Also, I'm not trying to be sexy or MySpace picturey, smiling just doesn't feel at all natural when you are A) Taking pictures of yourself in a mirror for no reason & B) feeling like death. Kudos to me for pulling my shit together for long enough this afternoon to shower, dry my hair, AND brush my teeth.

Poor poor Mad. She was so bored today. I promised her, tonight as we snuggled in my bed, that I would feel better in the morning. I really hope mama doesn't look like a liar and really does feel better!

Her Mother's Daughter

2011-03-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

My girl is so like her daddy. If you know him then the answer to the question of why I call him my AngryBear is obvious. She can furrow her brow with the best of them and as far as squirrelyness goes she has him matched. They are peas in a pod, those two.

But the beautiful thing about parenthood is finding all the little things that are just.like.you.

New shoes make any day sunny

Gold shoes; a must for my shoe lover

Madeleine's for my Madeleine

We both love the same man!

How I Keep My House Clean.....this week

2011-03-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Being a mother means constantly finding balance. We juggle children, chores, work, personal sanity, and don't forget our relationship with our husbands/boyfriends/significant others, friends, & family! My life, especially in these dim days of miserable gray skies and freezing temperatures, revolves around sleep, food, and chores. I get lost in the mess of things, often.

What a consistent thought process keeping my home, and life, clean and organized can be for me! It isn't always easy for me to spend every hour cleaning. I like to live at a more leisurely pace, getting a thing done here and a thing done there, just wishing everything into place while I drink coffee before it goes cold and shower before 2 in the afternoon. So, my goal is to make the reality a little easier to face.

I've tried several methods to confront the madness; doing all the laundry on one day, never going to bed with a messy kitchen, deep cleaning on weekends, cleaning as I go....they all turned into this all consuming never ending mess.

I realized something the other day when I started my Spring cleaning tasks. If things are DEEP DOWN clean they are easier to pick up. The deep down clean is what I have a hard time getting around to. It's what makes us grumpy on the weekends when we want to be taking naps and going for walks. They are the tasks that can be totally overwhelming when you only do them once a month. I'm not talking about wiping the counter tops, but elbow grease scrubbing them, and sanitizing them, and putting all the little things that accumulate in random drawers into a place they actually belong. And the laundry? Right now I'm ok with doing laundry every day if it means I do it from start to finish and always have clean clothes to choose from. The picking up of all the toys? No matter how many times you clean them in a day they WILL get pulled back out again. So, let them get played with, and enjoy the playing. If I'm not constantly picking them up the second she walks away I might actually enjoy the toys with her and she might actually learn some stuff in the process (imagine that!).

This brings me to my current method, one that I'm really liking, a daily checklist. I am NOT a list person. I don't make grocery lists, to do lists, cleaning lists, they just annoy me. Or, they used to. I don't think I'll go list crazy any time soon but having a few things every day that I can accomplish, without forgetting or changing my mind, and then eliminate from the list is really an easy method. Another benefit? The more often a bathroom gets cleaned, floors get steamed, blinds get dusted, the less time it takes to do the next week. And picking up a mountain of toys at the end of the day is the simplest of my tasks. If something on the list doesn't get done? I roll it over to the next day.

To make this work I don't put simple chores on the list (laundry DOES go on the list because I need to have a goal of what loads I need to get done or I do NO loads). Dishes? Bed making? Pillow fluffing? Sweeping up from lunch? I do all of those jobs in reverse order. When I have a few minutes in the morning I make my bed because that is the very last thing that will get messy again. The toys I generally ignore unless I have guests coming over, time to burn during naps, or they have to be cleaned up to do a list job (like floors).

My question for you today is, what is your method to keep life under control? Are you a clean freak that actually enjoys constant cleaning and will never be ok with toys underfoot until after the baby is in bed? Are you happy with clean laundry residing in baskets until you need something (like the internet famous Kelly Hampton who you really should read if you like pictures and adorable babies)? A couple other random blog posts about cleaning that I like.....here and here .

Let's Talk About Boobs

2011-03-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

Mad has been extremely clingy and possessive of our nursing relationship lately, asking to nurse every moment I have her in my arms or whenever she is sad or angry, and it's a little bit exhausting some days. When I try to count the number of times she has patted my chest in her "gentle" toddler way and requested 'sies on any particular day and I can't even remember exactly, but recognize that it was upwards of 8 times, it makes me a little tired. That's ok to admit right?

I can't decide which I like more. Sleepy Mad......or

But on the other hand it's a beautiful thing, this relationship, and frankly I consider it a blessing that I have a tantrum stopper, sleep inducer, vitamin giver, and tummy filler all in one. Oh, and the snuggles. If you have, or have had, a toddler you know those can be few and far between and they are oh so welcome in my house.

Nursing eye lock Mads.

Thanks to the beauty that is Facebook I recently stumbled upon a comment by a friend about a woman breastfeeding in a front facing carrier at the airport "FULLY EXPOSED!". I've never been successful at sling nursing, probably because I never tried, but I can imagine that if I did the only way for my shirt to go would be......down. You can't exactly lift a shirt for discreet nursing when your child is tied tightly against your stomach.

Ok, so, the logical answer is a blanket or cover. Imagine for a minute a busy airport, standing in the security line, a crying baby (or soon to be), carrying bags, getting your shoes off, the annoyances of travel go on and on. So, a blanket over your kids head or a fancy little nursing cover is probably the last damn thing on your list at that very moment. How very inconsiderate! I know when I feed Mad the first thing I think about is everyone other than myself and my daughter. I don't want to put anyone out, turn some unsuspecting 6 year old boy on, offend another woman who see's her own breasts every single day, cause a man to have a spontaneous affair with a stranger, or force a parent to explain to her children how some mama's feed babies with breast milk and don't hide in a closet every hour to do so.

The thing that makes this so very sensitive for me (can you tell?) is that I remember being a new mama in an airport, alone, with my 6 week old baby who could not nurse well to save her life. Really. Because of our awkward positioning blankets and covers didn't work for me. I was lucky to get her latched on and fed without both of us breaking down into tears. Then bring all of my luggage, stroller, & diaper bags into play; I was just waiting for a melt down of epic proportions. I remember begging the universe to be kind to me. To allow offended strangers to divert their eyes from any wandering flesh, for other mama's to be kind and understanding when they saw my public struggle. Luckily when you are in the business of nourishing an infant the rest of the world ceases to exist and even though it wasn't easy we did it, several times, and life as we knew it did not end.

Her post was met with comments such as, "disgusting," "something must be wrong with her," "maybe she was a foreigner," (which I assume was in defense of her in a sad sort of way) "inconsiderate of others," "I don't want to see a woman breastfeeding," (made by another woman), "flashing a boob in public is still flashing a boob". My heart sank when I saw what people had to say. My stomach dropped.Other women, with children of their own, finding a breastfeeding woman "disgusting". Not even ashamed to tell the entire Facebook world.

WHEN can women unite and support each other? When can we collectively say, "HOWEVER you feed your child is ok with me! I'm a mama too and I know how hard it is to grow, birth, and care for a child (don't forget the difficulty and heart wrenching trials of adopting a baby) so if you "whip it out in the airport" I'll tell my gawking husband to get over it. I'll explain to my 6 year old son that the sweet baby he see's is so hungry and isn't big enough, like him, to wait until they get to McDonalds and, in fact, cannot even EAT chicken nuggets so he has to nurse from his mama. I'll elbow the stranger behind me making snide comments.Because we all have to make the hard choices when it come to our children, and I support every other woman and their choice!"

I want to live in a world where breastfeeding a child publicly isn't taboo. Where nourishment isn't compared to other bodily fluids or a lifted shirt to pornography. Likewise I want bottle feeding mama's to feel happy and comfortable feeding their sweet baby without fear of dirty looks from the lifted shirt mama sitting next to her. Isn't it time we stop forcing every woman to defend her way? Isn't it time that it is more "normal" to see a baby eating than a celebrity flashing her goods while getting out of a car? Isn't it time we realize kids are having sex at 14 and it's not because they saw some stranger nursing a baby? Isn't it time we see that we are all in this together?

I think so. I'm not even going to apologize for this tirade because this is really important to me. For my daughter, and your daughter, and their daughter's.

Scrub A Dub Dub

2011-03-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

So, Spring is officially here and that means I have to get my butt in gear and get things prepared ~~to be cleaned again~~ so my house is nice and organized, and deep down clean, for the warm months when we will be spending our time and attention in the disaster we call a backyard.

This week my goal is to finish the kitchen, and keep in mind I am spending next to nothing so my costly organizing ideas are just going to have to wait. Yesterday I cleared counters, rearranged a little bit, and scrubbed them clean (all those edges and corners that tend to get a little less attention), as well as de-cluttered a few drawers, tossing things that I don't need (like all those hand mixer accessories when I don't even have, use, or need a hand mixer) and storing them where they will be the most useful. It looked pretty good if I do say so myself, even though when I clean like this I think of all the things I wish I could change about my kitchen. Why yes, I did leave my garbage in the middle of the floor, thank you very much.
Like the cupboards. They are pretty, but I want a bright kitchen with white cupboards. So, I decorate as if it were the kitchen of my dreams and I have to shrug it off when I feel like it doesn't look all that put together. The lack of color is one of the few complaints I have in this house. I'll probably change my mind on my kitchen desires in a few years anyway. Such is the life of a mother who spends too much time in one room.....
I've been inspired to try and find some more design friendly items to store my frequently used sink items in. Hand soap, dish soap, and lotion to be specific. Previously they were in a little metal holder and I hated it. I didn't love the metal look, it felt dirty and scratchy on the counter (I felt like it was going to rust), there was no color, & not really any design whatsoever. So, Mad and I popped over to Pier 1 to check out what we could find. A serving dish, a colorful coaster, and a pretty plate came home with me. This is what I ended up with. Can I just say that I love Pier 1 for stuff like this?
Isn't it so cute? I couldn't believe how perfectly the little dip dish worked for this project! I want to get a cute lotion and soap dispenser but for now this is perfect! $6 total for both of these, plus another $8 for the plate and an additional coaster that aren't being used here but will definitely be put to use.

Now that Mad is napping peacefully (and hopefully for a couple of hours) I'm going to grab a much needed shower, brush my teeth, help myself to another cup of coffee, and get to work on reorganizing the cupboards. Sad that it takes me until 2 PM to brush my teeth. I really need to make that a priority....on days when I'm not in a rush to get all my Spring cleaning done.

The only way to deal with tantrums these days.

Sunny Days

2011-03-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

This week we played in the sun. What glorious moments they were. Today Mad has an outrageous ear infection that gives cause to scream every time I lay her down for a diaper change (currently trying to figure out how to change a diaper with her standing up) and, oh, just about any other moment that things don't go exactly her way. She scrunches up her little nose, pokes her lips out, puffs her cheeks, furrows her brow and lets out several head splitting screams. This cannot be good for her ears but she continues to do so at every available moment.

Whenever I walk into my house I can smell sour water. Kind of like laundry gone bad except I don't have any of that. It's probably the sink, it was leaking in the base and instead of fixing the leak we just stopped using that side of the sink, but it's driving me nuts trying to figure out how to get it to go away. When there is a smell I dislike I break out the Scentsy and then bleach all the surfaces I can get my hands on. I guess this means I have to find the energy to do this today. If you recall my paragraph from above you understand that this might be difficult. I haven't had my bed to myself all week and my little darling isn't exactly a middle of the bed sleeper. No, she prefers to sleep on my head. Gives new meaning to a headache.

I've learned this week that if I only have a few dollars in my pocket and I'm out to grab lunch.....I'd rather feed the baby and get coffee for myself. Coffee is so much more productive than food in my belly. Mad has learned that she likes screaming at me, sitting in baskets, pushing her stroller outside, and just being outside in general. When we are mid diaper change slash scream fest I just ask her if she wants to go play outside or walk to the park. That shuts her up (sound harsh, but boy is it true!). Girl loves her some sunshine. Who can blame her?

The bleach is calling my name. Also, my daughter has filled up every container with every item she could round up so I guess nap time and clutter clean up is also on my morning itinerary.

Rock-A-Bye

2011-03-08T21:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week already for my little Baby Bear and I what with rainy day dance parties, endless snack times, refusing naps and all of that. Tonight, just a short while after I put my tuckered out little one to bed, she woke crying and needing her mama. I rocked her and rocked her in our big wood rocking chair, stroking her soft (perhaps just a little tuna and cheese dinner scented) hair and feeling her sweet baby fingers play with my necklace. Each time I shifted my weight she buried herself deeper into my body, pressing herself closer to me, and we became one as we rocked and rocked. Her long legs wrapped around me, each breath tickled my skin, her fingers doing a sleep dance across my chest and arms. I am grateful in this moment for my soft spacious body to serve as her temporary resting place.

Motherhood? It is heaven. Absolute in every way. The hard minutes of the day just slip away while we rock and all I can remember is that very moment. Did I complain earlier about toys filling every inch of my home? No possible because right now there is an angel in my arms who spreads light and love with her every step.
When the time came for that baby of mine to get back into her own warm and cozy bed she cried to hear my voice whispering to her that I was there and would always protect her. "Mama's here, Mama's here," I sing to her and she curls up, long skinny legs tucked underneath her body, arms cradling her fuzzy pillow, blankie tucked into the soft skin of her neck. I sneak out quietly, off to do this and that around the house, but my mind keeps wandering back to my warm sleeping baby.

{This little finger? It's her binky finger. She flicks it even in her sleep.}

I want to crawl in that little bed with her, whisper in her ear while she sleeps, tell her that I love her more than even seemed possible those years before she was mine. I want to promise her that I don't mind when she wakes every night and I think she is perfect just the way she is. I want to promise her I will always be by her side when she needs me, no matter the reason, no matter the time. I want to kiss her round, pink, cheeks over and over so the feel of them is forever on my lips. I want to remember this feeling all the time so I never take for granted our moments together.

*All sleeping images are from the weeks we spent sick as sick can be in Mama's bed. The last picture? Well, that is just the face I get to see every day.

Pitter Patter

2011-03-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

There is something comforting about listening to the dishwasher, with my slippers on, hair pulled back, and rain falling quietly outside. There is no wind whipping around the windows, which is unusual for our house this time of year, no television bleeping away, no sounds of my toddler dumping baskets of toys out. It's thoroughly enjoyable for the moment. Soon Spring will be here. We will have gardening to do, Spring cleaning that, much like Winter cleaning, never seems to end, new toys to play with, walks to go on, pools to visit, & parks to play at. But, today, it is just a quiet rainy day....and right now it is asking for a cup of hot coffee. I think I will indulge, thank you very much.

Mad and I on Mother's Day last year. Spring at it's finest.

The Funky Chicken

2011-02-28T18:48:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I've been in a bit of a funk lately....aka all of February, and maybe part of January too....so there it is, my too legit to quit excuse for the lack of substantial and hilarious blogs. As per my usual around here...OF COURSE!

I was starting to feel a little less "funked" and then my Baby Bear came down with HELL and we literally did not leave the bedroom, or bed for that matter (except to go to the Dr.), for an entire week. And then we struggled to keep it together for another week after that, and that was the large part of the month. Now I've just been overwhelmed with catch up. As in, catching up to a tornado toddler who has been making up for lost time via dumping everything within reach onto the floor. Again and again and again and again......And eating CONSTANTLY so I feel like I might as well just move in to the kitchen so I can load and unload dishes in my sleep. My organization weeks haven't come to a complete halt, they are just a little side tracked with some of the small projects I've been working on that are less abrasive to my sanity. Not that sitting in a pile of cupboard contents and finding a better way to store them isn't healing in it's own right.

So, now I am attempting to climb out of the dark tunnel that has been my February, hopeful for some of that early Spring I was promised so I can feel a little more sane slash stir crazy but wanting to avoid leaving the comfort of my warm home. I have a few projects that I've been working on, like this bulletin board slash key holder (that I DID complete the next day), and I want to show off the cute ideas all this sick time has afforded me but today I don't have the photos ready (or the cleaning to make the photos viewable) so you'll have to settle for an Iphone capture of my new Spring (possibly Summer) yarn wreath. I really love the colors and I kinda think I could have done better on the flower placement. Alas, I use tacky glue because I'm too lazy to get floral wire and figure out how to do it that way.

I'm welcoming Spring to my doorstep! P.S. This Spring I AM going to sand down and paint this awful, chipped door. Hate.It.
P.P.S. Tutorials for the felt flowers can be found at the lovely blog of Mrs. Priss, here & here. I was doing yarn wreaths prior to finding her blog but I know an entire wreath tutorial as well. Basically it's exactly the way it looks, super easy!

To Eat or Not to Eat....

2011-02-15T20:19:00.001-08:00

I'm puttering around my quiet, post bedtime, house trying to get things done (while not actually working too hard) and I swear that all the sweets and treats in the house are calling my name. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear as I organize groceries in the refrigerator, taunting me with their bubbles and toppings of whipped cream or raspberries as I try to fold my laundry, begging me to stop washing those dishes and sit down with just one cup/slice/piece/bit before I nod off to sleep with my little Baby Bear snuggled in beside me. Curse you holiday that is an excuse to buy things that don't belong in this chubby household!

The Bear, admittedly loathing of such a ridiculous a holiday as Valentines Day, brought home Godiva Chocolate Truffles, Raspberry Almond Torte, Expensive Red Wines, among other goodies and they are all half eaten waiting for me to give in and indulge for the second night in a row. Ridiculous! I should just throw it all out, but the sugar addict in me just cannot let go!

{Mad Mads in her Valentines outfit...well before Valentines Day since we were sick and unable to move on Monday. She's sweeter than any treat!!!}

I'm trying to keep my hands busy with projects but my brain is going a million miles an hour and I can't even focus on getting a single task accomplished. I don't blame this lack of focus, entirely, on the sugar cravings. It's been a really long week. A long month. A long year in fact (is it a bad sign if I'm saying this at the beginning of month 2?), and I am tending to avoid the things that simply must be done. Today, instead of putting laundry away (at least 3 loads waiting on the couch for my undivided attention) I got down and dirty with my spray paints and have almost finished up a little project in the kitchen and one in the laundry room. It takes so much longer during these cold, dirty, months so now, when I am literally a few sprays away from being done I find myself wandering to other jobs. My non perishable groceries are sitting quietly on the living room rug waiting for me to assign them a home. Instead, I am blogging. About all these things I should be doing, but am not, because I can't stop my mind from wanting to eat and then relax.

My Mad and I are slowly recovering from a terrible illness that has plagued our home for an entire week now. She is coughing constantly and her nose is one big scab from the constant flow of snot I try to keep from dripping into her mouth, I have a throat that is swollen, but not enough to keep me from enjoying the taste of aforementioned foods. We both are tired and cranky and ready to feel 100% again. House tending isn't really what I want to be doing tonight but I know when I wake in the morning I'll be even crankier if I have to deal with sick Baby and dirty home. The incredible, and frustrating, fact is that The Bear and I LITERALLY scrubbed this place from top to bottom over the weekend while the sun was shining and we had the energy. It smelled like Pledge and freshly washed floors. Now it looks just the way it always seems to, cluttered and in need of my attention.

{My kitchen project, waiting for colored hooks to screw into the bottom as key holders. Previously it was black, one of those multi-purpose boards from Target.}

Cleanliness is Happiness

2011-02-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things about settling into a home is getting organized. Ugh. Just thinking about it is frustrating for me.

I totally admit that all my cleaning and organization skills(z!) are practiced NOT inherent. I was the messiest kid and for the first few years of my adult life my home was a wreck. Mostly I hated laundry, dishes, deep cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, & cleaning up after other people. So, basically I hated life in the cleaning zone. Previously I was married to slob of a man who didn't know how to put a dish in the sink, let alone rinse it off, who wouldn't mind climbing over laundry piles to get out of bed, who didn't notice the difference between a pee stained toilet and a freshly bleached one. Then you add into the mix his disgusting friends that were a constant at our house? Yeah. Not a pretty picture (don't get me wrong, I was partially to blame and I know that. Like I said, cleaning was never a natural thing for me.)

Re-building my life from the ground up after my divorce gave me a new appreciation for my "stuff" and my space. I enjoyed having clean clothes neatly organized (it helped that I was skinny enough to enjoy wearing those clothes) in my closet, I enjoyed displaying my jewelry on pretty hangers, I found my happy place in vacuuming floors. I was far from perfect, still am, but I started practicing and building habits that would make my life happier, cleaner, and more organized.

So, back to the house organization. The clutter, oh how it taunts me. Batteries, cords, single socks, scissors, papers, tools big and small, pictures, books, cleaning supplies, wrapping supplies, holiday decor, constant laundry piles (the consistency of dirty laundry makes it clutter), toys, dog items, more toys, kitchen knick nacks. I mean, seriously, the list could go on and on. This isn't even the half of it and if you are a normal human living a normal human life you probably totally get what I'm saying here. I've had enough!!!!!!!!

Last week I posted a picture of my before and after laundry room. I wish I could say that it was the first time I had to totally clean out that room but, oh boy, how the clutter builds up in such a small narrow space. It was probably the third for fourth time! I've been so happy with the final results of that day. The cupboards were organized for the first time since we moved in and I have a lot of great plans to make that space functional, and pretty. Everyone, Google search "awesome laundry rooms" and you will see my inspirations!

So, my goal is to do one space at a time until every nook and cranny in my home is neat and tidy and prepped to stay that way by giving every little piece of clutter a labeled home.

This week, inspired by this photo, I started on my pantry and refrigerator (one of those places that requires constant attention).
{via Tidymom}
Beautiful right?!?!?!? (check out her post for suggestions on how to make the most of a pantry do over)

I forgot to take a picture at the beginning of my work and it's probably a good thing. Look at the bottom shelf of this "mid" before picture. The entire thing looked like that, or worse!!!

After about an hour of purging, wiping down, categorizing, and arranging I got it looking like this:

It's nothing like my inspiration picture because I don't really have ANY budget to work with so the cute containers, baskets, labels etc are going to have to wait. For now this is ten million times easier to live with. It's been a few days and we've managed to keep it this way. Mad loves to go in there and search for "crackers". Which is basically any crunchy snack. I love to open the door and know where things are. Hopefully I'll have a pretty pantry when all is said and done and I can't wait to get to work on that! I didn't take pictures of my fridge (be grateful!) but it is like a different world in there.

Right now the three of us are battling The Sickness and I don't have much hope of getting anything done this week. But, with a lot of Zicam, Vitamin C, and some Thera Flu miracles, could definitely happen. I haven't even decided which space to start next because a lot of my "to do" areas need money spent to make my time worth while. I suppose I now need to learn to organize on a budget!

People, I just want to link you to my new favorite blog that has really given me the drive to get things done. IHeart Organizing. The blog, and the creator, are great and it really inspires me to get shiz done around here. My home style is totally different than hers. Meaning, the framework of my home just doesn't compliment modern, but her ideas are a push in the right direction and it helps me get excited about what I can do around here. Add her to your blog feed friends!

I admit that most days my dishes are dirty and sitting in the sink, toys are scattered, and, like today, every item in every drawer in my bathroom has been pulled out to decorate the floor to my toddler's liking, I just know that this is a step in the right direction in making my cleaning life easier and less all consuming. Oh, and ALL of it is ten million times better than what my younger self would have had going on! Ew to the old and in with the (not so) new!

A Night On the Town

2011-02-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

Last night The Bear and I went out to dinner with some friends, one of our many childless couple friends. I'm sure it must get annoying listening to me talk about buying diapers, breastfeeding (which The Bear informed me she was too big for, HA!) a toddler, sleeping....or lack of it, eating, bath time, how the hell do we brush her teeth while she screams at us, and...you get the point. We're probably AWESOME to have at dinner!

I was trying my best to not talk about why the buy/sell/trade market of used cloth diapers is so exciting slash financially beneficial slash emotionally gratifying when you're really depressed and suffering from chronic headaches (that's what I tell The Bear anyway) but most of my stories end (and begin) with how funny slash cute slash smart slash destructive my Mad is. Can you blame me???

After several glasses of wine we started planning an evening out with some of their friends that were going to be visiting. "They are really cool," our dinner companions stated, and whew that's great, (right?) because no one likes to be stuck with a couple of duds, "they don't have kids". Ok, I know that the statement wasn't intended to read like I'm implying. Or was it? We were relaxed, having a good time, these friends don't have kids and don't really seem too interested in how awesome ours is (which, for the record is totally ok, I know not everyone is mad about Mad). So, for just a wine induced moment I felt sad. That I was UN-cool because I had a "kid".

The moment was quickly forgotten over panacotta and coffee after which The Bear and I drove home and fell fast asleep, a sleeping snoring dog nestled uncomfortably between us. In the morning I woke early, ready for my nursling to demand to join us, but she was not there. Instead she was safe and sound with her Gram and Poppy running wild and demanding everyone obey her. My sweet and bossy princess.

I realized in that moment that I was ok being un-cool if it meant that I got to wake every day with my little family just the way that it was. I wouldn't trade it for more nights out, more glasses of wine, more mornings to sleep in, more "cool" friends. I wouldn't trade it for anything. My life of diapers, constant snacks and meals, laundry, breastfeeding a toddler, laughs, snuggles, Yo Gabba Gabba, naps & pillow pets is cool to me. It is beyond what I ever imagined and I feel pretty amazing being a part of it all.

And, that's it. Today I am simply grateful for all that I have. My AngryBear. My Baby Bear. My extremely un-cool and beautiful life.

No Shadow Celebration! - Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

Here's to Hoping for NO Shadow

2011-01-30T21:27:00.000-08:00

The month of January, especially these last couple of weeks, have been emotion filled times for the Bear home. We have been happiest just bundled up in bed together snuggling while we ignore the mess our little tornado makes. It's amazing how much of a wreck she can turn this house into in mere minutes. I mean, that is what we want to be doing and try to get as much of that in as possible. Unfortunately Monday-Friday ruins these plans with work, meals, laundry, dogs, etc. But we still ignore the mess as often as possible.

I confess that my mood and the constant headaches have led me to self medicate with diaper stalking. And, much to my bank accounts dismay, purchasing. A lot. I'll have to de-stash a bit to make room for newbies and prepare for anything I might have to buy this next week. *crie* This is a very emotional thing for me. The obsessive purchasing has gotten so bad that, had I any money left to spend, I would have started buying newborn diapers for a baby that is far FAR from being born. Seriously though, newborn everything is so smushy and cute. Please tell me there are other comfort shoppers out there reading this!?!

Lastly, I have a question. How many other babies out there are obsessed with Pillow Pets? I finally felt like Mad was old enough to keep hers in her bed. Usually when I check on her she is hugging it with her bum up in the air like the little stink bug that she is. She picked the turtle out, TWICE, all by herself, after ooohing and aaaahing over them every time we passed the kiosk at the mall. Generally I don't buy into hyped up items but these little loveys are worth it. She has slept so much better since I've put it in her bed.

Wordless Almost Wednesday

2011-01-24T20:06:00.001-08:00

Bone Tired

2011-01-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

What has the world come to when I'm so tired and overwhelmed and, *ahem* ornery, that I have nothing to say? I don't even feel like complaining that my diapers haven't magically moved themselves to the dryer.

But, they should. I didn't pay that much for a washer/dryer to have the wet diapers just SIT there waiting for me to do something with them. Anyway, back to not saying anything slash complaining.....because I just magically found the words (I swear they were not there when I started).

Seriously though, it's been a rough couple of weeks and I know that I have no reason to let all of everything get to me but today I had a hard time remembering that. It may have been due to lack of sleep, or a whining dog, or insensitive men not realizing how much I need to hear that I am good enough and what I do is good enough....even when they don't really think so.

Or perhaps it's a toddler throwing food on the floor cackling like an evil witch (seriously!) while I wonder if the rest of my life is going to be spent in the kitchen making meals and snacks fifty billion times a day (can I get a hell yes from every mama who knows exactly how I'm feeling?) only to clean them up off of the floor while being hollered at, "eat, eat, EEEEEEAT, wee wee (please), eat," as the dog manically licks the discarded meal off of the floor only to throw it up later that night (and then, yeah, eat that too)? The toddlerness of my life is definitely NOT the cause of my rough weeks, if anything she and The Bear are the absolute highlights of every day, but it can make an exhausted mama feel even more so.

I know exactly what I need to do. Let it all go, focus on the good, more mama baby cuddles in bed, less sugar, more water, more yoga slash healthy meditation. Breathe in breathe out and acknowledge the good that is my life. Instead I drink too much coffee, got a scrip for the headaches, and am currently drinking wine and eating red velvet cake. I guess we all do what we can.

P.S. Despite my orneriness I am SOOOOO grateful for the, LONG overdue, Surgeon General's Call to Action to Support Breastfeeding. Use the link to get to the PDF file of the entire release. And, PLEASE, read it. I am so excited about some of the suggestions and hopes she has for the future of breastfeeding support in the U.S. Like 18 weeks FULLY PAID maternity leave for mothers!!! Or mandatory breastfeeding education for any health care professional who comes in contact with mothers. And especially the end of formula companies advertising directly to consumers through posters and samples, etc. So, I'm really excited and I hope you all are too!

A Day in Diapers

2011-01-13T09:55:00.001-08:00

On any given day this is how diapers, and outfits, morph as the hours tick by.

Morning means daddy does the first diaper change and so, because she sleeps in sposies (her bum is ultra sensitive to wetness and no other diaper can seem to keep it comfy dry through the night) and we have them around, her first couple of changes are into sposies. Sad face. I'm trying to wean us down to only one at night and cloth for every other change, even in the morning, but for now this is how it is. I just took one picture for 2 diapers because they are ugly. True story. Also note one missing sockie. She likes to pull them off in the night. Mornings are for jammies or nakedies.
Un-bleached prefold with snappi. Honestly, if I wasn't taking pictures it would have been this all day because we didn't leave the house. I'm in love with prefolds and don't know how I made it through the first year without them.
Film Noir Goodmama on the bum. One of my all time favs. Cushy cuteness. It should have a cover but I don't bother with them at home.
Carnival Goodmama ONE. We lost socks and shoes, the headband, and the skirt. Too.many.clothes.
End of the day pre-fold in a Thirsties cover, light purple. And Mad being adorably naughty trying to reach our cork bowl on the table. Babies standing on tip toes is the very.best. I'm amazed that the leggings lasted until pj time. That never happens.

The point of this? I love cloth. A lot. It makes my day way more interesting when I can actually look forward to a diaper change. Sometimes it's getting the perfect fit with a folded diaper. Sometimes it's seeing if I can make an outfit match every diaper change throughout the day. And basically her cuteness is magnified with a fluffy bottom. Regardless of the specific reasons Mads and I both love a cloth bum and if any of my friends or readers wants to make the switch or needs help please ask! It won't be long until you are wondering why you ever diapered with sposies (I still feel guilty about my night diaper confession)!

This was Mads as a newborn in her cloth. She looked so teeny tiny!

Decorating Around for No Reason

2011-01-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

I wanted to ~~brag~~ share the pics of the wreaths I made for Valentines Day. Pretty sure The Bear is going nuts with all the Valentines Day crafts since it's the most awful and ridiculous holiday in his mind. But, I've got to stay sane and making felt flowers is doing it for me right now. Why can't cleaning do the same? My kitchen would really like to know.

The pictures range from kinda crappy to really awful because they were taken in bad light.....oh yeah and with my Iphone....but, lighting aside, the general idea is there. The first was for my sister. That is the worst of the photos, because the sun was glaring right at it, so you can barely see detail. Oops. The second is mine. It's mini and hanging on the inside of my front door. This was the first wreath I made with felt flowers and I love it just for that reason. The last was for my mom. I <3 all but the ribbon. I was just so ready to give it to her so I didn't want to take the next few days to think on other ideas for that space. Yuck to the ribbon but YAY to the earthy slash homemade style of the grapevine and flowers.

Basically.....

2011-01-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

♥ my head hurts
♥ I'm tired
♥ I'm cold
♥ my teeth want to be brushed
♥ my head hurts
♥ shiz needs cleaning....like whoa
♥ laundry baskets!!! (like, I'm being attacked)
♥ messy refrigerator!!! (cue murder scene music)
♥ un-made bed!!! (blood on the bathroom floor)
♥ my head hurts (even more from the exclamations)
♥ the dog needs training....weeks ago
♥ I ate a cookie tonight
♥ more than one.
♥ I miss Mads when she sleeps

BUT....

♥ I have a soft pillow to put my aching head on to sleep
♥ our blankets are warm and cozy
♥ Sonicare!!! (like a welcome home sign at the airport exclamation)
♥ our pantry is full of over the counter pain killers
♥ when cleaned this shiz will look beautiful.....like, double whoa
♥ if I never clean it it's still pretty awesome
♥ laundry baskets are good for playing in with Mads when emptied (onto the floor)
♥ refrigerator full of food!!! (puppies being adorable exclamation)
♥ messy beds are still comfy
♥ headaches go away. almost always.
♥ my dog sleeps with/looks adorable with pillow pets. all on his own
♥ the more cookies you eat the less the calories count (?????right?????)
♥ Mad fell asleep in my bed and we snugged for a bit
♥ also, she looks like this.....

Look at me. Being all venty and positive in the same post. And have awesome punctuation skills that make tons of sense. All reasons why I read my own blog. I need to go eat some more cookies so I will hopefully have lost some weight in the morning.

By the way, if you're wondering, yes her tummy is exactly that sweet, her leg rolls beg to be pinched, she can accessorize her own hair thankyouverymuch so that's why it looks like I never do it. Cause I don't.

Understanding

2011-01-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

Mr. Bear and I were talking tonight about compassion. About the truest form of compassion and who it impacts the most. Those who are on the receiving end of compassion? Or those offering it?

All I really have to base my ideas on are my own experiences. And truthfully, as I said tonight, I am a happier more self satisfied person when I exercise compassion consistently in my daily life.

I need/want to get back to a place where I am this person more often. My own balance is off lately. I feel frustrated more often than I would like to (wait, would I ever like to feel frustrated???). I feel myself judging more and searching for understanding less. I feel that that the example I am setting for my child, who perhaps cannot understand yet but will someday, is not ultimately in harmony with the person I hope she will strive to be.

I'm struggling to think of a way to remind myself, when I make a mistake, that those actions aren't part of who I want to be and to correct them. So often I find myself slipping up or forgetting and then just moving on without rationally changing my perspective at that very moment.

So, I don't have all the answers but I am committed to making a change in my attitude, thoughts, & behavior towards others and just life in general. It's important for me to start behaving like the person I know I am inside. For the good of myself and my family. I don't think this part of myself is buried that deep but I have certainly lost track of her lately.

I was reminded this week just how lucky I am. I am loved by, and in love with, my two bears. They don't judge me for my mistakes but they encourage me to strive to be a better person. When I hold my daughter close I feel peace and love. When I struggle with life's great questions I have the wisdom of a loving partner to lean on. What more could I ask for?

In Memory, With Love

2011-01-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight it breaks my heart to write the things that have been in my mind since yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, when my sweet and gentle father called in tears to let me know that his youngest sister had died tragically in a car accident that morning. Her youngest child home from college, alone, at the house waiting for her to arrive.

Among the many people that love her she will be greatly missed by her 4 beautiful and incredible children, her husband, her father & step-mother, her mother, her 3 older sisters and, my father, the oldest of the 5. She was the baby and as with many youngest she was something special to them all.

Kristen Marie Gardner was her name and I will never forget her life. She had the ability to make me feel that years of distance meant nothing and that her love for me meant the she knew me. And she did.

My last memories with her, from just a few years ago, will always be held near to my heart. We talked and laughed. I scolded her, while shielding my eyes, for being naked too much. I didn't inherit the naked gene she and my father share being more like my mother and opting for full nighttime clothing. We drank wine. Oh how we drank wine. Kristen was happy to partake in wine offerings and one always had to consider her presence if bringing wine to dinner. But no one would appreciate it more and your evening would be filled with delightful wine induced laughter. We sat on rocky beaches and contemplated things that I cannot recall. I wish I could, at the time I didn't realize that it would be so soon that I would need to. She may or may not have caused me to trespass and lose my shoes at the same time. We walked down winding roads, shoeless & drunk, searching for the river where we spent what seemed like hours talking and partaking of her home grown herbs. She had wisdom to share with me from her life of experience. I was in need of a kindred spirit. She was never afraid to be herself. To live. To love. She was open about her regrets and it broke my heart then, as it does now. My God, how I will miss her.

My baby bear never met her though I know they would have loved one another. My Aunt Kristen was a crunchy mama herself and loved having, nursing, & raising her babies. Once again, in a different time of life, our hearts shared the same joys. The night before she died The Bear and I were talking about her children and how my dad loved them. It ended with me stating, "I know you would like her," and he would.

It's difficult to suppress the tears as I write these things. So much sadness yet so much happiness in remembering the woman that she was. I hope she knew that I loved her. I can't remember the last time I told her so.

So bloggers of the world, I hope you will all tell your loved ones you love them today, and every day. And I hope you will send my dad and his family any extra positive energy you have to spare. I'm not a religious person so I am encouraged to focus on the beauty that was her life and not on what happens now that she is gone.

Kristen and her big brother Don, years ago, sharing a drink and a picture.

Cooking & Cleaning DID Wait

2011-01-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

The house smells clean. Clean because it is actually super clean and clean like a Scentsy smell clean. I love both types. My baby bear is better after a couple days of a nasty nasty cold, though her nose and cheeks are red and raw from all the epic snot wiping, and sleeping blissfully in her bed. The dog is snoozing on the freshly cleaned couch, Mr. Bear is using him as an armrest. Christmas is 100% taken down (well, 99% if you count the garland sitting in the hallway upstairs where you can't even see so it's basically considered put away). The bathroom is freshly organized. The huge piles of holiday laundry, diapers and clothing, are soooooo close to being done. I'm in my jammies and slippers.

Basically life would be perfect if I were drinking a glass of wine, instead of bloating beer, and if the few loads of laundry, diapers AND clothing, would fold themselves. But it's worth it to at least have SOMETHING to drink (which makes me sound like an alchy, I'm not, I swear it was just one of those days/nights) and to have a perfectly clean closet with perfectly clean clothes. I won't focus on how, after our two week peppermint shake binge, those clothes all fit just a little worse than they were fitting pre-Christmas.

Tomorrow The Bear ends his two week, almost completely work free, vaca. That is nearly impossible for him and to tell you the truth I don't think we've ever spent this much time together without constant work interruptions. It's been incredible.

This week feels busy. Not because it is ACTUALLY busy but because I can't help but mentally fill it up with things I want/need to get done. I do have a couple appointments but I have a mile long list of projects I want to start RIGHT THIS MINUTE. That attitude usually exhausts me to the point of not completing a single thing. It's also the reason I have spray paint sitting in my garage and several frames sitting, NOT hanging, at the top of my coat closet. Maybe I should start with finishing what I've actually started before I start something new? Not likely.

Now it's off to fold the dreaded laundry and hopefully get to bed before the little one wakes and demands some middle of the night snuggles. Here's a random picture. I love her face to death and want to kiss it right now. This is also my favorite diaper right now. Doncha just love it?

1-1-11

2011-01-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

First of all...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2010 was amazing, I couldn't have asked for anything more in my life, so I don't have any hopes for 2011 being a "new" beginning or something more than what the last year of my life is for. I'm going to love this year just as much as the last, and just as much as the next, and the next. Although I do believe this year will be special in its own right and I'm really looking forward to it.

Now, as the Christmas hangover has finally subsided, I can talk about the holiday without wanting to cry/vomit/crawl under 1000 blankets and never come out.

It was pretty delightful. Mad Mads was a bit overwhelmed but loved opening and playing with her gifts, even if it took a couple of days to get them all open. A kitchen, baby dolls and a stroller, a complete set of the Disney Fairies (from the new Tinkerbell) in large and small sizes (thanks to daddy!), and, my personal favorite, a doll with a sling.

She wears the sling everywhere while doing everything. She slings and pushes her grocery cart. She slings and "cooks" up meals in her kitchen. She slings and pushes two other dolls in the stroller with her puppy in a purse on the handle. Pretty impressive mama I must say.

My one gripe is that the sweet sling doll came with a bottle. I know it shouldn't bother me but I just wonder when this world will see that we should stop training our children that babies are fed with bottles. As if it's so absurd to feed them any other way. Some mamas use bottles and so they should be able to buy bottles for their babies to play with....separately. There is nothing offensive in that. I don't need a special breastfeeding baby doll, I just wish they would let the children, and parents, decide what type of feeding accessories they play with. Anyway, tangent over.

As far as my spoiled self goes, I was spoiled. The Bear is all things sweet and thoughtful, and yes I think it's romantic to spend 20 minutes with a sales lady to pick out the perfect can opener. Because that is the kind of thing I appreciate. Honestly he could have given me a lump of coal and I would still have the greatest gift in the world from him. Something that I get to enjoy anew every.single.morning. My Mads. And the gift of mothering her all day, every day.

I guess among other resolutions I would like to make, because it feels good to set goals, especially when I am setting goals that I intend on following through with, is to enjoy my mothering life more. To feel less frustration on hectic days. To laugh instead of scold when she does the many naughty things that she does. I love her, and I love my life. I don't regret anything in my past and I don't want to wake up tomorrow and regret not enjoying and appreciating my every moment with her. I want to be better for her, so she can learn and love the mother that I am. The way that I love my own mother and try my best to emulate her in all the mothering that I do. Ok, emotional tangent over!

I'm going to post some additional pictures from Christmas, like the one of Mads delightfully eating the pear I buried at the bottom of her stocking (our official stocking tradition) and the incident of her nabbing daddy's trifle leftovers and running away gleefully.

THE END!!!

Merry End of Holidays

2010-12-28T22:29:00.000-08:00

We survived Christmas, although barely, and are just trying to make it past New Years. The hardest thing about this whole holiday thing? Maintaining my good habits. I don't have many, good habits, and my whole world is being rocked with all the bad things influencing me right now. Mainly my diet, which consists of sugar, chocolate, dessert, and carbs, and flossing, which is a bad thing when my diet is as listed above. The first couple of days I felt awful, sick to my stomach, after eating anything sweet. Now, my body is embracing my old lifestyle and I'm craving it more and more. This.Must.Stop. I think we should just toss out all the goodies in the house. But first I want to eat that box of delicious chocolates The Bear gave me. Mmmmm......

This brings up the topic of resolutions for the new year. I've been instructed to find 5....for myself....and then as a couple we will set another 5. TEN???? That is a lot of potential failure. I'm trying to set realistic goals. Like, get better at yoga instead of do yoga 5 times a week. Or, lose at least 1 lb each month until goal weight is reached. It would take me 3 years at that rate but it allows some room for a bad month.

Not sure what my couple goals will be. Is, "stop being a nagging bitch," realistic? Probably not. Neither is, keeping my house clean all the time, always putting my dishes in the dishwasher, sweeping every day (or once a week), discontinue critical behaviors, have a bra on by 10 AM every day, brush my teeth by 10 AM every day, drink less coffee (blasphemy!), or stop napping during Mads morning nap. Not all couple goals, but you get how hard this is going to be for me.

I wish I could make the dog set a resolution. It would be, "stop hogging mama's side of the bed because it makes her regret letting me sleep with them."

And for Mad's it would be, "stop screaming like a banshee during diaper changes for no apparent reason."

Unfortunately I doubt those are reasonable either. But seriously, the diaper changes are extremely difficult these days. When I changed her while out shopping last week she was freaking out so much that I thought she was injured. I'm officially that mom everyone looks at and judges. I want to wave my arms around and tell everyone that I really am a good mom. Most of the time.

Maybe my blogging goal could be to start using punctuation correctly. I don't think that's realistic either. And not very fun. What is fun is enjoying the rest of Christmas break like this.....

Happy End of Holidays

2010-12-22T22:29:00.001-08:00

Tonight The Bear and I went out to do some last minute shopping for some friends. MISTAKE! Big mistake. It was raining and crowded and absolutely ridiculous. Baby Bear was awful, which is pretty typical this month. Probably because her nap schedule, that I worked so hard to enforce the first 15 months of her life, has been totally up in the air while we run errands and I give into her fits of clingy not wanting to nap-ness. So, let me say, I cannot wait for Christmas to be over. I'm tired of her opening all 3 of the presents that I put under the tree (because they are too big to hide elsewhere), I'm tired of Christmas music (except for Glee), I'm tired of crowds and selfish bratty humans, basically I've lost the Christmas spirit. Bah hum bug!!! But, I'm super excited for Mads to open presents because she'll be so so excited and that makes me excited. Bratty brat brat!

Just like I got the itch to decorate for Christmas right after Halloween I've started to ~~get the itch~~ actually start decorating for Valentines Day. I've been wanting to make some felt flowers to put on my yarn wreaths and I figured it out FINALLY.

So I made a wreath and I won't lie, it's awesome. I'm saving the whole picture until after I take down my Christmas stuff (TOMORROW! not really, but I wish) and find a spot for it. I can make you one too, if you're nice to me! It's my best wreath yet, I have to admit. Even The Bear lied really well about liking it.

My last glass of wine is almost empty and that means it's time for teeth brushing and bed. Here's to hoping for a bed to myself all night. Myself and Mr. Bear that is. And, not that I don't love a good snuggle but Mads is a really serious bed hog. Just sayin.

Things I'm Loving

2010-12-19T21:35:00.001-08:00

In no particular order (because I'm lazy and don't want to rearrange the pics to a particular order), these are some things I love today. I took a few shots tonight, on the fly, so I could post this. I could have (should have) waited until tomorrow so I could take them in natural light but, once again, I'm just too damn lazy. Besides, if it was as easy as saying I'd do it there would be a lot more posts on here lately. So, here you go!

Mads in a winter hat. Cutest.Ever.

Because I'm spoiled McSpoiledson my lover brought me home the ultimate in Lush gift boxes to make up for leaving me alone with an anxious dog, messy house, and ~~satan's spawn~~ our adorable and practically perfect daughter. I stash it in my closet where it can smell lovely every day and I can look and oooo and awwww and wish I could make it last forever.
More Lush, stashed on my closet shelves with the Nora Roberts books The Bear won't let me put on our book shelves. Yep, he's embarrassed. Aren't the colors so pretty (the Lush, not the books)?
My pretty little bench from Target that matches our bed perfectly. It also opens and has storage inside. Not tons of space, but enough. The sad part in this picture is the lack of pretty pillows on my bed. I have ideas of the perfect bed pillows so I'm slow accumulating them. Not to mention that pretty throws are expensive! Note the dark lamp on The Bear's side of the bed. Because he is traveling yet again.
My half decorated Target tree. I loaded the top half of the tree up with pretty/cheap ornaments because I have to leave the bottom emtpy due to little baby hands that like to grab. "Wow wow," she says when I turn the lights on.
My new little entryway bench. It's the perfect size and I'm so happy to have it. The baskets were even included and they are actually pretty nice. I don't sit here to read or drink my coffee but I didn't have anything to fill the other side of the bench!
Love these two. Just because they are awesome and wear things like this.

I love myself for finally buying, and prepping, my prefolds. And of course actually using them. This is a pretty great fold if I do say so myself. Too bad they don't always look so good!
The Angry Bear himself.....and our sweet doggie. Except when he yelps in the night after hearing Mad wake to nurse. The dog, not The Bear.
This face. I love scrunchie nose.
Her. This chair. Books. Bare legs in Winter. Blue eyes. Messy hair.

I love a lot right now. Things I don't love, and thus do not have pictures of, are :

♥ creepy noises in the dark house. There are a lot of them and it freaks me out some nights when I'm alone. aka tonight
♥ wind (probably a huge contributor to the creepy noises)
♥ my empty refrigerator
♥ work travel right before Christmas.
♥ work travel all the time (I know it's necessary but that doesn't mean I have to love it. This is just a "don't love" list, not an "I hate it" list)
♥ Staying up too late when I'm alone
♥ proper punctuation.

So, there you have it. Now I'm off to bed. Someday I'll have a better camera, better photo taking skillz (they are there, I just don't care to try), and the time and energy to take pictures during the day when I don't have to use a flash. Until then, this is what you get.

Snow Diva

2010-11-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

Winter has come in full force and every part of me wants to curl up underneath the blankets and hibernate through the next several months. But, I have these....

to keep me busy and happy and warm despite my desire for constant sleep.

We've been busy little Bears with Thanksgiving and other holiday errands to run. Baby Bear has been pretty tuckered out every single night and has slept until after 4AM the last few days. No complaints here! She's also been a serious crack up. We can't take her anywhere without stopping traffic and charming the pants off of every person she comes in eye contact with. I like to think that she makes people happy with her smile, changing their days for the better, and just the other night I got confirmation of that. We were sitting down at dinner when an elderly woman and her husband walked by. Mad beamed up at her with a big toothy grin, scrunching her nose up, and the woman smiled back, "thank you for that smile, I needed it", she said. When my Baby Bear is all grown up I will tell her this story, maybe when she feels like she isn't important or special, (we all have those days don't we?) so she knows how extremely special she always has been. Not just to me and her daddy but to people that don't even know her. The wonderful thing about children is that there is no judgment, no bias, no fear of the things they don't understand. She loves the men the women, the gay the straight, every color of skin, every size big and small, the happy the sad, the shy and the bold. She is something pretty amazing and I am honored to be her mama bear. /emotional blabbering

Counting Sheep

2010-11-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that bed time in our house is a nightmare. Not so much the initial going to sleep process, many nights Baby Bear crawls right out of my arms into her cozy bed and kicks me out, but the whole sleeping through the night thing. While she was teething her most recent molar she screamed every time I tried to put her back in her own bed after nursing in the middle of the night. It was exhausting and the only way she wanted to sleep was snug in my arm on the bed that sits next to her ~~crib~~, lets be honest, porta crib (we bought a full size co-sleeper and just lowered it rather than spending the money on a huge A crib we didn't have room for before the move). Then came the hives and two days of being in our bed, sleeping with her hands entangled in my hair, feet propped on my belly, head snugged on my super comfy pillow (that I've hoarded since I was a teenager, it's the best and even The Bear knows it), ruined her. She went from not sleeping well in our room to LOVING the family bed. She's always loved to snuggle in bed with us but for a few months she was just too excited and wiggly to fall asleep.

For me it's just easier to bring a crying baby into bed with us because I know she'll sleep the rest of the night and the thought of using the nightstand as a pillow is sometimes better than trying to constantly go to a baby who flips every time I put her back down. It's easier emotionally anyway. Most mornings I wake up pretty sore but not exhausted. The Bear, on the other hand, doesn't love it. He rarely complains, about anything I do, but inside it's there. The thought that never again will he ever let a child co-sleep with us. He likes our bed to be for us. He likes to be the one to curl up on my pillow with his face pressed into the back of my neck. It's his territory and he likes it that way.

I don't know what the future holds for us and our sometimes family bed. I know that the thought of fighting a child on sleeping with us if that's what they really really want is hard for me. I hate letting Baby Bear cry because I'm so tired of rocking, for hours on bad nights, while she sleeps in my arms that I have to just put her down and go to bed. I hate that she still struggles so much when it comes to sleeping at night.

I know that she is more attached to me than ever and that only seems to be increasing. She comes over to my arms for a cuddle often through out the day while playing. She just needs to rest her head on my mama chest for a moment to be reminded that I am there. When she is sleeping peacefully next to me, stirring and reaching out to wrap her arms around my warm body, I know I am doing what humans did with their children for centuries before the invention of cribs, crying it out, and houses big enough for designer nurseries. And...it feels right. I wish it didn't. It's a subject of disagreement for us and it would be easier if, just once, I could roll over and do what The Bear thinks is best instead of getting all emotional and maternal while I over analyze what sort of damage I might be doing to my child if I let her "manipulate" us on sleep routines or don't. I hate that word, manipulate. No one has successfully convinced me that a baby crying because being with mama is the best feeling in the world and nothing compares to that sort of emotional and physical euphoria is manipulation.

I just read this really great blog on Babycenter about this very subject, which prompted my post. I've read her blog before and I love it. She has a great writing style and I love the French thrown in here and there.

I have to mention that since her molar is in and another hasn't begun to break yet she has been doing better at night. She slept through the night once and has gone down like an angel every other night waking to nurse but going back to bed immediately and not making any fuss whatsoever. Maybe this is her meeting us in the middle. Simply on her own terms. So like her mother.....

Pack Rat

2010-11-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

Tonight The Bear was packing for a quick trip. He left his suitcase in the front room with a pocket open. Our daughter, who does all of this lately.....

....decided that she needed to pack some stuff too. In went her new snowman jammies and her current favorite movie cover. There is no point other than, hello, how cute is that. I wish I would have zipped the pocket up so The Bear would find them in his hotel room. I know he misses her so much while he's gone, even if it's for less than 24 hours. I know sometimes I miss her just when she's napping or down for the night. Like now. I was just uploading iphone pictures and looking at all her little tiny baby face pictures and it made me want to cry.

She's trying so hard to communicate clearly these days. She'll jabber for several minutes and then look at us like we're nuts because we have no clue what she said. When I talk on the phone she takes it away from me and starts talking and then adds a super fake laugh at the end, all while running away from me of course. She's been signing "more" and "all done" (like when she's in the grocery cart and says all done like that is somehow going to make the shopping end) for a while now but hasn't picked up on any others. A few days ago she wanted a toy that she couldn't reach and was "eh eh ehing" at me. I signed help and asked her if that's what she wanted. She anxiously repeated the sign several times as I pulled the toy out. Minutes later she did it again. Now she's added a sweet little "hep" from time to time when she signs it and I melt. Baby signs and baby words are the cutest ever.

I've been in a weird funk the last couple of weeks. I've kind of been a bummer for myself to be around and The Bear just bought a plastic dog house for me to sleep in out back. I'm blaming the sugar with drawls. Truthfully I think it's all the self loathing I've done, hence the power to overcome the sugar in the first place. So, I'm trying to work on that because it's cold outside and I like my bed and personal foot warmer. But it will be a lot easier when I lose 40 lbs.

Oh wait, I just have to say that Mad put my shoes on today and was clomping around the closet and bathroom. THAT is the cutest thing ever. Yep. Probably more so than the times that she gets my headbands out and successfully gets them on her head. Note to self: get a picture of that cuteness. Why would anyone want to be a bummer with such a perfect life?

Give Me Hive!

2010-11-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

What an absolutely miserable couple of days! Have you figured out that this is going to be a bit of a bummer post? I'll make sure to say some positive things too, don't worry. I guess that is a positive before I even state the negative! Things can be miserable here at the Angrybear house and yet there are millions of wonderful moments. Even more positive is that I truly do notice them.

On Wednesday night, after my blog post, Baby Bear woke crying. I went into her room and seriously, there are no words to describe the smell. It.was.awful. Gagging I changed her diaper, and pj's, before deciding to let her sleep with us for the rest of the night. The nursery was toxic, I kid you not. I don't know how I noticed but there were hives (like the other night after bath time) on her arm. I pulled her jammies off and they were all over her arms and legs. FREAKING OUT (an action, by me)! The Bear and I went back and forth about taking her to the ER. After a call to our insurance provided after hours over the phone medical thingy we decided that since they seemed to be fading we'd wait until morning. She snuggled in but woke about 20 minutes later and there were bigger hives in all new places. My mama bear heart just couldn't take it so we packed up the car and headed to the ER (at 1 in the morning, yes.)

It was a typical ER visit. Or wait, it was not typical because it was empty and we just walked right in, but the dr. didn't really give us a whole lot of info just said she had an allergic reaction and gave us some meds for the next few days. Thursday I made two frantic calls to our pediatrician and fretted over my baby bear all day. She was fine. Happy, playful, healthy. Just covered in huge hives from head to toe. They would go away only to come back again when a certain part of her body got warm. By bedtime I was exhausted from worrying. She was exhausted from the Benedryl. We crashed together in my bed and slept fitfully all night.

I love love love when she rolls over and wraps her arms around me, or pats around with her eyes closed until she finds my arm to snuggle with. I love feeling her breath on my face. I love waking to see my baby has helped herself to some nursies in her sleep. I won't focus on how I don't love resting my head on my nightstand to sleep because apparently she is just like her daddy and thinks my pillow is much more comfy than her pillow. In fact, my entire side of the bed is better! So, today I'm exhausted. Luckily she woke with no hives. I'm not sure that will last but I enjoyed a stress free, zombified, morning.

When she wakes from her nap I'll pack her in the car and head out to Target for more detergent (I deleted the paragraph the explained a new laundry detergent that probably isn't the culprit but is being replaced just to be safe) and some chocolate pudding. How does chocolate pudding have anything to do with this? Oh yeah, that disgusting medicine that she has to take. The stuff that makes her scream and writhe around as I try desperately to pin her down while forcing her to swallow. By myself, I might add, since I'm feeling depressed about being left alone during all this misery while The Bear is enjoying the calm warmth of Florida on a not so worky work trip. So, I'm buying chocolate pudding to try and trick her into taking it without fuhREAKING out and thus preventing me from feeling like an abusive mother. Maybe I'll eat a few while I'm at it. I don't even know who to feel more sorry for, her or me. Ok, her, obviously. Silver lining? I have had so so so many long snuggles the last two days. With a ~~toddler~~ walking baby those moments are precious.

Tea and Crumpets

2010-11-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Today, after lunch with some girlfriends, Mad and I went to get a little chocolate treat. Oh, wait, did I just admit to slipping on my no sugar rule? Yes, yes I did but it was only a little and mother nature was telling my body I needed it. In the form of cramps and tears. Nuff said.

It was cold, but not too cold, and the streets in the little outdoor shopping plaza were closed off for construction. My arms were full of baby, leftovers from lunch, bag of chocolate, and bulky diaper bag so I set Mad down to walk beside me on her own. She.was.thrilled! She walks all over at home but rarely outside. The park has lots of curbs that cause falls but this, this was just a big empty space, with lots of people and noises and fun new things to explore. Looking down at my daughter I smiled and enjoyed the lazy walk to the car. She squealed at her reflection in the windows, she tested out all the benches, she swung her little arms as she toddled up and down the little streets and sidewalks. In fact, she was so happy walking that she didn't even notice to pull her coat hood off. Point for me!

Last night I had an emotional breakdown and cried and cried. Somewhere in my mind I imagine that a good mother doesn't have to try as hard as I do to be a "good mother". Me, I have to try constantly. I wish it was easy to wake up at the crack of dawn just because I know I get to spend the day with my girl, but it isn't and I usually put off getting out of bed for as long as she'll snuggle quietly with me (thank you Curious George!). I'm sure there are lots of good mothers out there who didn't put off cleaning their bedrooms and bathrooms of toys so they could browse cloth diaper products online. A good mother wouldn't have to focus constantly on how much cleaning they do....and have a cluttered house to show for it. Most women probably cook a whole meal without requiring daddy to entertain the little one. I also would bet that they don't spill the pepper all over the floor and set the fire alarm off on a regular basis. That's just how I do things in this house. Don't be jealous because you don't have to try as hard as I do.

I might not be naturally perfect, but my child is. And I'm telling you, it takes no effort whatsoever to love the hell out of her. Also, I don't think it takes her any effort to be crazy awesome all the time. I mean, she walks around with her shirt pulled up over her round belly tickling herself. That is the definition of crazy awesome. She also roars at strangers in public. That is the alternative definition.

Worried Rambling

2010-11-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Am I allowed to say that it has been a long week when we're only on Monday? Time change just threw the whole routine through a big fiery loop and it feels like the last two days have been an eternity.

On Sunday (an appropriate day for eternity to begin, no?) Mr. Bear and I were restless, like whoa, and itching to get out of the house, by noon, or one according to our brains/bodies. We piled our Angrybear selves into the car and took Baby Bear to the aquarium. I've been meaning to invite my girlfriends and their kiddos to go with us on a boring cold day but this day was desperate for entertainment. As it turns out it was better just the three of us went because Mad, who I was sure would looooove the whole thing, was more than a little afraid at a lot of the big fish (and penguins!). Also, she was petrified of the big plastic frog. Who would have thought my fearless munchkin would flip out over a cute frog?! But, she really like the tanks with tiny, bright, fish and frogs so we had some white knuckled, clingy, fun.

This morning we woke to cloudy skies that threatened rain. After a very long night, in a week of many many long nights (molars), I bumbled through the morning routine before naps and then a trip to the craft store. It was snowy/rainy and so so cold. Welcome Winter.

After book time I noticed a voicemail from my sister....my niece, the one that Mads loves to hug and kiss on, has strep throat. My stomach felt sick (still does). First of all, my poor poor niecey. Up all night crying, for days, and in so much icky pain. Second of all, we were just with her the night before. Both Mad and I loved on her. The Bear travels this week, I can not be home alone with a strep throat baby, or a strep throat me.

During bath time I asked The Bear to put some lavender drops in to help calm Mad down, hopefully, so we could get a night of good sleep. When we pulled her out her legs and bum we covered in huge raised spots and were burning to the touch. Mama freak out! We assume he put too much oil in the water (we've used this same oil her entire life with no issues) and she had a reaction. She was oblivious so we let her play on our bed without clothes so we could keep an eye on her. Sooner than later they faded away and off to bed she went.

Now I'm just sitting up wondering if she might be getting sick and hoping her jammies didn't irritate her legs, even though the spots were all gone. So yes, a long long mama day. My heart races at the thought of my little Bear going through any pain at all. She is never sick, has only had 2 or 3 colds her entire life, so I'm not sure how to handle any problems. I continually panic at the thought of waking in the night to a very high fever. So, even if she sleeps tonight, which I DOUBT she will, I have a feeling I won't be doing much of it either way. Who knew being the mama could be so hard (everyone, I'm pretty sure).

My Name is Melissaa & I'm an Addict....

2010-11-05T10:51:00.001-07:00

Yesterday The Bear sent me a link about sugar as an addiction. I confess, it's addiction we both suffer from, and it was sort of embarrassing to read about how lab mice would rather have sugar water than cocaine. I'm just a chubby lab mouse!

I wasn't always this way! Although I've always appreciated a treat when I'm bored/busy/tired/stressed/happy/sad (emotional gratification much?) but it was never to an extreme. Enter an Alien baby that would eventually be my Baby Bear. I was worried that I would crave meat during my pregnancy but, unless you count the dreams about corn dogs I had in the beginning, I didn't. Instead I craved all things sugar (and some curly fries). It's likely that sugar had a lot to do with the weight I gained....and haven't been able to lose.

Haven't been able to lose because.......once the sugar addiction started I haven't been able to kick it. And it's depressing. Just before Halloween The Bear started a diet. We bought more candy then you could even imagine (really!) and when way more than half of it was leftover after the holiday and I was left to face it alone. Kit Kat's sounded good first thing in the morning, and then another, and another, and another. Reeses, Milk Duds, Whoppers. Whoa boy was I in trouble. So, I packed up the candy, dropped it off to my mom's house to save for Gingerbread house making and have been in withdrawals ever since. I've lost 3 lbs of sugar weight this week (I gave up Dr. Pepper too!) and I feel like I'm going to die. Sad really! But sugar cravings are better than self loathing right? RIGHT??????

Last night I was thinking about addictions and I glanced at my nightstand, the very home of my other addiction. Catalogs (and some magazines but not the celebrity kind). Real Simple, Pottery Barn Kids, William Sonoma, & Sundance...just to name the few I'm browsing right now. When The Bear comes in the house with new mail I am absolutely giddy thinking about looking through a brand new, fresh & crisp, catalog. I like to browse through them quickly, first, and then go back the second time and look at each page more carefully. In decor magazines I like to imagine all the cute things in my own house, I often exclaim to Mr. Bear, "oh isn't this so cute! It would look great *insert room here*," and he just shakes his head. I mark pages, get inspiration, and generally just gush over everything. If it's clothing or jewlery I tab pages with things I wish I could have, or wish I could look good in, and try to put together a mental image of each outfit I'm imagining buying. How often do I actually order from these magazines? Almost never. Everything is overpriced and I can't really justify buying ~~a lot~~ any of it.

My addiction to cataloging (as I like to call it) comes from my mom. When I was a teenager my favorite thing to do was tab pages in the Victoria's Secret catalog. Every so often my mom would let my older sister and I pick a thing or two to actually order. These days I love going to my parent's and finding a catalog I don't receive sitting on the counter. My mom and I will sit together and choose our favorite items (cardigans have been the thing of the season) and argue over which color is best. The Bear doesn't understand why we do this to ourselves, when often we can't/don't buy anything, but I guess it's just an "us" thing. It's a happy addiction and one I don't mind indulging in. Also, it has fewer side effects than my sugar addiction.

Best & Worst

2010-11-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today Mad and I were at the elementary school, voting (just me though, she wasn't registered on time,) and after I set her down so she could roam about she returned to me wrapping her arms around my legs for a great big hug. That was one of about twenty thousand millions hugs I got that day. Mama FTW!

On Saturday I was giving Mad a bath when she got her funny pee shiver face and out popped a lovely brown gift. Thanks for that daughter. I held her naked, dangling in my out stretched arms, dripping water all over the floor, while I called The Bear from upstairs. He mostly dry heaved while he took care of the problem and then I cleaned the tub while my little angel danced around the house naked like she planned it the whole time. Fail!

Tonight I nursed my little baby (don't you dare say toddler) and she fell asleep next to me. It's been AGES since she's done this, probably since she realized that she could roll over and crawl away instead of having to fall asleep, so I was in shock, and in heaven. Never one to pass up the opportunity to kiss on her without having my face shoved away (no time for kissing MOOOOOOOOM!) I tentatively kissed her warm, round, baby cheek. Not so much as a stir (I can't tell you how many times I've undone 20 minutes or more of hard work by waking her with my kisses,) so I did it again...and again and again and again. Baby FTW!

I told Mr. Bear that I'm feeling like I never want to stop nursing her. Of course I don't want to continue forever, I just feel like lately she and I have been close like never before and I want it to never ever go away. I want her to stay my baby & my mama's girl. Nursing gives me that feeling of mom euphoria these days and I swear she feels it too. Hence the leg hugs....and the poops? Somewhere I know deep down that if we stopped we'd still have all those moments. But as long as I have a nursling I won't be baby hungry so The Bear will have to be in full support. Apparently he's not baby hungry yet. What's his deal? Does he hate babies or something?

Halloween(ish)

2010-10-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

When weeks go by it's obvious that blogging has become less off a priority in my life. A fact I hate, because I've always enjoyed writing, but when you have a toddling little one life becomes so busy with the chasing, picking up after, searching out, (because you turned your head to sneeze and all of a sudden you hear slamming of some drawer/door and, for the life of you, you can't figure out which room it was coming from so, begin frantic search) & comforting, that you forget about all the other things that you used to think you loved so much. At least that is what has happened to me. I've gotten used to cleaning the contents of my kitchen drawers off of the floor at least 5 times a day (not even kidding!) because that is the only way I can get a meal cooked. Then I have to clean the mess while she eats and once she's done eating I have to clean the mess from that while she empties the drawers, again. Really!

Thankfully Mr. Bear has been a huge (HUGE) help lately and at the end of every day, when we are both exhausted and ready to sleep, he helps me do one final clean up. We sweep away the abandoned remnants of vegetables and pasta that were tossed overboard when dinner started to get a little boring, scrub the dishes that were used as a food finger painting canvas, tuck the plastic spoons back in their drawers, remove the dolls/blocks from the cabinets, stow away the well loved books, fold the laundry (for the second time), and crash on the couch with a drink or ten. He even put her to bed one night while I was out helping my teenage sister find a costume, epic!

In between all of the chasing around we've been doing the typical October activities. Eating pumpkin pie. Oh, and pumpkin picking & costume wearing.

Originally I was going to get her a cute Pottery Barn costume. Then I realized that we weren't going trick or treating (good thing we didn't plan on it) and had no where to go so it would have been a waste. SOOOOO, I passed on spending a small fortune for fabric cut into cute shapes. We had a little Piggy outfit from Gap that we figured she could wear, even though the booties didn't fit and it was a game to see how many times she could pull the hat off, and it was perfect for handing out candy. Halloween was approaching and The Bear and I are out buying candy. I don't know why I walked down the crappy costume aisle (sparkles and cheap fabric that will probably fall of and rip by the end of the night) but I did and that's where I discovered a mini Tinkerbell outfit. Baby Bear adores all things Tinkerbell (thanks to daddy) and carries her Tinkerbell around the house all day long making her fly about (sound effects and everything) so wouldn't it be cute/funny for her to wear it while we hand out candy? I thought so and even though it was mostly too small, it was too damn cold to wear without undershirts and leggings (even indoors), she wouldn't keep the wings on, & she wasn't going "treating", she was the cutest fairy I've ever seen. The proof is in the pictures.

We would have taken her around the neighborhood with her cousins but Utah doesn't Trick or Treat on Sunday and Saturday was the coldest, rainiest, most awful day of the year so far. There were MAYBE 30 kids that came by the house so we have enough leftover candy to build small candy village. Ultimately Halloween was a major let down, despite our cute child. Hopefully the rest of the holidays will be better! Also, if you live in Utah and want some candy come on over!

Weekend Warrior (not the Churchy kind)

2010-10-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

There is truly nothing like a quiet house on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. NOTHING! Ok, maybe a really nice bottle of wine and a piece of exquisite chocolate cake in addition to a quiet house, but one can't have everything all at once.....

The Bear was busy this morning getting the yard ready for Winter. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday we were moving into this house and feeling overwhelmed with all the work to get done. That is not to say we have all the things we need to make this home exactly what I want but we knocked out a huge chunk this Summer and now we have a BEAUTIFUL lawn. It's a little bit depressing to know that just as the weeds are starting to fade and all the dry patches have filled we have to Winterize the yard and get ready for the first snow. This morning I walked out to a beautiful green back yard and marveled at how much more I love my house now that it doesn't look all white trash with mile high weeds and dead lawn. I just have to keep reminding myself how great it will be next year *sigh*.

Baby Bear is walking now and it's safe to say she keeps me on my toes. She just goes and goes and goes, then passes out for a 2 hour nap only to wake up and go a million miles an hour until the next nap. She's exhausting and wonderful all at the same time. Which is another reason weekends are so awesome. I know I'm lucky to have a partner to carry the load with me but during the week it all starts to build up and 5 days with barely enough energy/time to shower and get ready or keep things clean starts to push me over the edge. Then the weekend comes and I feel so relieved to know that I can clean during nap time and still get a shower because someone is here to help me. And today, when Baby Bear didn't want to nap, crying sounded much better apparently, and I was at the edge of sanity, Mr. Bear was there to take a turn so I could shower and get my shit back together. Also, he gets to stay in bed with us in the morning and feel the joy of snuggling in bed with a warm baby. If she'll hold still that is. So, exhausting & awesome! I'm glad he is here to share it all with me.

I have to add that as much as we will miss the warm days Baby Bear is sooo ready for Halloween! Check it out....

Falling for Fall

2010-10-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Now that the sickness is gone things have calmed down. The last week was difficult, I was tired and ornery and it's safe to say I wasn't being the partner I needed/wanted to be, but it's over and a succession of really amazing days helps to forget it. And by forget I mean simply to stop obsessing over the details of what made that week so awful.

Fall has settled in here in Utah and Baby Bear and I are loving every minute of it. We go on relaxing, albeit short walks, open the windows so the house smells of fresh air, and enjoy the colors of the season. The colors around us are more gorgeous than I remember from years past. The burnt oranges and greenish yellows roll around the hills and give a crisp warmth to our Earth. I've never considered myself much of a seasonal decorator (for example, I'll decorate for Halloween but won't replace pillows candles, flower vases, etc. for each season) but this year I'm really wishing I had a seasonal decorations budget. I'd love to throw some Fallish pillows on the couch or have more surfaces to put up candles, garlands, pumpkins, and things of that sort. I have so much space to decorate in the future but right now, this season, I have a lot of empty corners and not enough places that can easily accommodate frequent decor changes.

However, I do have some space outside! I have a pretty small front porch and a couple little nooks out front which make it easy to fill and decorate. I've been coveting these yarn wreaths for well over a year now but at forty bucks, or more, a pop I knew that I could afford ONE for the whole year, not multiple wreaths, plus buying it wouldn't give me the satisfaction of figuring out how to do it myself. So this week I did it. I asked The Bear if I could spend $20 at the craft store, not sure what I was going to spend it on, and then I decided to go for it. It took me one day and even though I spent just a little more than the $20 planned I have a lot of extra Fall flowers to use in the future. I admit that it's a far cry from the beautiful wreaths on Etsy, but the idea is to get a feel for it and eventually they will get better. I can't wait to do one for Christmas!

Please excuse our awful front door. I hate it and hopefully will be able to at least sand it down and re-stain it before Winter. Door's are expensive!

I Got Out of Bed...& Bumped My Head

2010-10-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just because I'm sick and tired or maybe it's because I've had one of "those days," (you know, the days where everything you do and say comes out a little harsher than you intended it, or you opened your big mouth at all when you knew you should have just kept it shut altogether) but the intense feeling of failure is just overwhelming. Alright, over dramatics aside, I simply feel like I can't win just by being me today.

Parenthood & partnerships/marriages are two of those fuzzy, feel good, me love you long time sorts of experiences that you can't help but feel intense gratitude for being involved in. Most days are surrounded by laughter, hugs, smiles, slight chaos (the good kind), & much much love. Other days, for me anyway, begin on the wrong side of the bed and end with the whole bed to yourself (not the good kind). They are few and far between, really they are, but when I have them it's enough to make me wonder why/how I ever thought I was so awesome to begin with.

For example? I thought I was an awesome, attentive, loving, home cooked meal, sort of mama but today my almost 13 month old daughter ate an Arby's roast beef for lunch and Kraft Mac & Cheese for dinner (I couldn't have even done the Organic kind???), she cried when I took her out of my sister's arms (the quivering lips and huge crocodile tears type of crying), & she picked up the television remote and carried it over to me whining and pointing to the television. Guess the 6 AM Sesame Street in bed & sanity saving Tinkerbell movie does more damage than good. My bad! Mom of the year at your service!

Or this; I feel like I try to be patient and understanding with The Bear when it comes to these two things, work & parenting. Instead the first thing I do when he sits down to play with us at the end of his work day is bark at him for checking work email at the same time. Never mind the trip to NYC that work email just paid for, or my beautiful home & brand new car. And when we sit down for dinner, rather than expressing gratitude that he is feeding the baby so I can eat before my food goes cold for once, I criticize him for not doing the feeding just the way I think he should be doing it; which is something I've struggled with since day one, "hold her neck! rock her MY way! smile more! talk more! laugh more!". Just saying it all aloud makes me want to kick myself out of the house. In my head I am telling myself that I'm patient and understanding a lot of other times and maybe I had every right to react the way I did (I was sick and exhausted right?) but I never have been good at pep talks and mostly just feel worse the longer I analyze the situation.

Unfortunately even though I recognize these flaws in myself it is extremely likely that I will, flip on Sesame Street when Baby Bear is brought to me at 6 AM (or earlier) tomorrow morning, fill up another day with not so homemade meals because I'm still recovering from the sickness, get my feelings hurt when Baby Bear wants my sister more than me, & feel, possibly un-justified, resentment toward Mr. Bear's Iphone....and vocally express that resentment. All of these realizations are contributing to this overwhelming feeling of utter parent & partner failure.

So I sure hope that this day can be blamed on my sickness because I know the runny nose won't last and this losing streak sure as hell can't last either lest I spend the remainder of my life being constantly plagued with the knowledge that I am a sub-par, overly critical, & nagging woman (reminded by no one other than myself). /pity party

In The City

2010-10-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Ahhh....it feels so good to be home. Well, I mean it would have felt good if it weren't for the souvenir I picked up in NYC in the form of sniffles, sore throat, & body aches. Now I'm in bed just begging the day to end. I don't get to take a walk with my baby. I can hardly enjoy playing with her because it hurts to enjoy anything. Being a mom when you are sick is tough.

Despite today's sickness I enjoyed a beautiful homecoming with my girl last night. She has a great weekend with my family filled with attention and adoration all directed at her. Being the center of attention is her favorite thing to do! I was anxious before I left about her taking a bottle (she always refuses it which is why we waited until after 1 year to take any extended time away from her) but the new Breastflow bottle I picked up worked wonders.

After that my anxiety shifted to nursing when we got home. Would she? I've heard of so many babies who just decide they are done when they have a couple days with a bottle. We walked in the door late at night to a quiet house. I went to put some comfortable clothes on so I could sneak in and pull her out of bed to nurse sleepily, hoping for more success. I'd pumped for over a month trying to build up my freezer stock of milk and I really wanted to continue nursing after I got home for at least another 8-12 months. When I walked out of the bathroom a sleepy smiling face greeted me at the door. Into my arms flew my little one, patting, hugging, & kissing me. Heaven! "Would you like nursies," I asked her? She patted my chest, her signal that yes, indeed, she did. We crawled into my bed and spent a glorious 5 minutes (speedy little bugger) snuggling while she nursed. It seems as though we are destined to continue, and I am so grateful.

As for NYC, well, it was wonderful. I discovered in the car that I'd forgotten my camera so we were stuck with Iphones and The Bear's SLR. Not exactly great tourist picture taking devices. I tried to force him into taking some self portraits on his phone but they just did not turn out. So....I have nothing to show for my trip except the happy look on my face as I type this.

We ate delicious Sushi, visited the Empire State Building at night (beautiful!), toured Liberty Island, ate pizza at Lombardi's (fresh motz, in house roasted red peppers, sauteed mushrooms, garlic spinach, & ricotta.....a foodie's dream come true!), & saw Mary Poppins on Broadway. We attempted the shopping scene, and bought lots of lovely handmade jewelry (a gorgeous blue topaz tension ring among other sweet finds in the Little Italy area just next to Soho) but I got discouraged when it was obvious that fashion savvy NYC doesn't market to chubby mom's who haven't lost all of their baby weight. I can count the number of women I know that are a size 23 on one hand (or one finger!) but every rack was filled with 22, 23 & 24 sizes, it was amazing to me that anyone could shop there at all. Even in my skinny days I could only fit my pinky finger in some of the clothes they sold. Defeated only for now I've vowed to return when I'm back down to my normal size.

Despite the mostly bad clothes experience I have to give a shout out to the Levi brand. There was a huge store right by our hotel and, always on the prowl for new jeans, The Bear and I went in. I found an incredible pair of skinny jeans, that I've been needing for boot wearing this winter, that actually came in my size and fit really well! They have different "curve" fits and it makes a big difference. I was shocked to pay over $70 for Levi's but it was worth it. The Bear got his own pair of jeans that actually make him look like there is a hint of a bum underneath all that denim. If you've ever seen him from behind you know this is a pretty huge deal! It wasn't exactly exciting NYC shopping but we went home happy.

So, here I am. Sick and more than a little exhausted, wasting my nap time on a long, wordy, blog post. To make things exciting I'll add in a couple yummy baby faced pictures of my Baby Bear playing. Did I mention how much I missed her this weekend??? I really did!

Craft-O-Rama

2010-09-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

Since we bought the house I've been obsessively searching the internet for design ideas to help me fill up all the empty wall and corner space. I've replaced a lot of my favorite celebrity mom blog spots with design on a dime style blogs and they've given me the itch to start re-finishing furniture more often.

Years ago I helped a friend finish a table for his house. During the whole process he bitched and moaned about how he could have found the same table, finished the exact same way, for a lot less money, at DownEast and he wouldn't be stuck in the garage at that very moment, with paint fumes filling his nostrils, in the middle of Winter. I admit we didn't really know what we were doing and did almost all the sanding by hand (there was A LOT of it!) which made the process even longer but it gave me the itch and I've never lost it. Sometimes I wonder if he still appreciates that table and all the work we put into it......probably not. But I appreciate the lesson learned!

My itch to thrift shop for furniture to re-finish is also coupled with the strong desire to add some color to my home. I don't want to just have a stand to throw keys on I want to have a COLORFUL one. I want to have a red/blue/green/orange/yellow console that I can hide all the awful electronics in my living room. I want to have the awesome creative furniture that people "oooo" and "awwww" at when they enter my home. Currently I am a RcWilley couch owning, Costco rug loving, Pier One table dining woman. I hate that there is no character to my entry way. I loathe my cluttered counters. I despise my poor attempt at pillow creativity. I need to be more crafty!!!!!

I enjoy finding a project and getting to work on it. Mostly it's my sticktoitivness that starts to lag after a while. When we moved in I was going to do everything, ALL AT ONCE! Of course after finishing two picture frames and not really loving the design outcome I sort of lost my momentum. A shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom sat, forgotten, on top of the washer/dryer for months. I shocked myself when I ordered, and actually picked up, a gorgeous photograph that my dad shot. The easy option was to buy a frame from Target and I shocked myself again when I found energy one day and hung it. This required measuring, marking, & leveling which are not things I enjoy. And you know what. I love that picture. It really adds to our small bathroom and every time I see it I smile.

This weekend while The Bear was sick and my mom was babysitting Baby Bear for our not so datey "date night" I pulled out the shelf for the nursery. I sanded and painted that night and the next morning I put the last coat on and did some antiquing. It turned out lovely! The Bear helped me hang it and, aside from agonizing over what should be placed on the shelf itself, it looks amazing! When Mad wakes up from her naps she smiles at me and points to it, showing me the new addition to her room. She's very attentive to details in her space and the fact that I have her approval gives me the drive to do more.

So, here's a goal for the Fall/Winter. Be crafty. Furniture, frames, candle holders, kitchen decor. Whatever it may be, large or small, I'm going to get it done before Spring. Ok. Maybe not all of the things that need to get done. But some of them. A lot of them. And it won't take me weeks of mental preparation either. Maybe next year I'll have the nerve to approach the subject of wall painting with The Bear......

It's My Party

2010-09-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today my beautiful daughter turned One. One year ago I held her in my arms for the first time. One year ago I knew what it was like to feel an absolute unconditional love. One year ago my life was forever changed and I'm so glad that it was. These months have gone by too quickly but they have been so wonderful. She brings a light and a life to our days that I cannot even describe. Her bright eyes sparkle with happiness and wonder from the moment she wakes in the morning until I snuggle her to sleep at night. I watch her laugh and play and I am in awe that I had a part in creating such a perfect being. Mr. Bear and I are so lucky to be her parents and my heart is overflowing with my love for her.

The weekend has been filled with family, friends & fun but I think I can safely speak for both Mad and myself when I say that we are looking forward to the nice quiet week ahead. All the excitement has made her a little clingy, which is entirely out of the ordinary, so I plan to spend the week doing a lot of snuggling and playing with all the new fun toys she has. I am sad that her first year is ALREADY over but I know that the next months will be more fun than ever.

Happy Birthday my beautiful daughter! I love you more and more each day.

Miles of Piles

2010-09-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

It's late...for me anyway.....and I have a gigantic pile of towels to fold.....and they are still sitting in the same place I put them first thing this morning, right on the couch, next to the spot that I have planted my lazy self, NOT folded. To be exact there are 5 folded towels. Only 20 million to go.

The Bear was tired and headed off to bed almost an hour ago. Right now he is snoring so loudly that I can hear him through the wall and closed doors (guess this means I won't be joining him any time soon since sleeping next to a snoring bear is nearly impossible). On the bed next to him is a huge pile of clothes that I threw there this morning and never put away. Do you see a pattern?

I also have jeans in the dryer and a tub full of soaking diapers that need to be moved to the washer. Diapers that haven't been used since basically the day we moved in to the new house. Something about two weeks of baby diarrhea (TMI!) which then turned into a consistent 3 poops a day-er baby, a broken diaper sprayer, & super funky smelling dipes from too much hard water and terrible washing habits. Excuses that are all as stinky as my diapers but I've felt a little buried lately. Not to mention fighting against an Angryatclothdiapers Bear who has been less than enthusiastic (but I love him anyway) toward my cloth since we moved in. Pretty sure he sabotaged my diaper sprayer (love you Mr. Bear, if you even read my blog anymore!).

So instead of doing all this folding of laundry that is basically BEGGING to be done....I'm reading craft/design blogs. Yep. And oogling over all the projects I'll probably never do but really wish I could. My most crafty project since the move has been a couple of picture frames and a letter "T" that I finished to go over the mantle. Even that took me about 3 days longer than it should have. Sitting on top of my dryer is an unfinished shelf for Baby Bear's bedroom that is entirely lacking in the decor department. I swore I would have this finished before her birthday when all the family is here to view how much I haven't done to the place. I am a sad un-crafty mama. Other crafts on my list? An Autumn yarn wreath for the front door & a book wreath for the empty library/"formal" living room. I say "formal" because nothing in my life will ever be successfully formal, I'm just not that classy.

/tangent. I think the snoring has gotten quieter so I really am going to fold these towels so I can sneak into bed. Hopefully without disturbing The Bear's sleep.

Reminiscing - The First Year

2010-09-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

My daughter is turning 1 in a, very short, week. I try to soak up all my moments with her now, pre-one year old, so I never forget what it feels like. How her wispy hair tickles my cheek as I slowly rock her to sleep, the way the softest skin on her neck and shoulders feels against my lips when I kiss her over and over and over again there (it's my little spot of heaven), how she buries her head in my chest when she wants to be close to me, how her chubby hands look perched on top of my breast as she nurses, and the blissful feeling of having her so much a part of me still, relying on me for nourishment, comfort, love, soothing; I wouldn't have it any other way.

When a couple welcomes a child into their lives for the first time every other parent around them explains how fast it will go and how before you know it they'll be graduating high school, having babies of their own, & moving on with their own grown up lives. Do they all feel the way I do when they say this? Aching knowing that the sweet beings we hold, nurse, kiss, hug, love constantly day in and day out are going to grow out of us so much sooner than we will ever be ready for? I see friends, and even strangers, and I want to yell out to them, "it DOES go so fast and you won't know, you won't understand, what that means until it's already past!". There's just nothing you can do to slow it down.

The joy of watching her grow and change is mixed with the sadness of watching her leave each stage behind. Every day that she still holds her little arms up for me to pick her up I try to remind myself that sooner, not later, she will be able to run so fast she won't need my arms to carry her where she wants to go. Every night she calls for me because she needs to be snuggled and nursed before she can fall back to sleep is one closer to the night she stops wanting me to comfort her. Sometimes I feel frustrated that I still don't get all the sleep I want every night but then I stop and think...and I realize that some unlucky parents have had 30 minutes (ore more) LESS snuggling each day than I have gotten this entire first year. Yes, that is how I choose to look at it. I'M the lucky one. And let me just say that middle of the night snuggles are so much snugglier (not a word, I realize) than day time snuggles. Their heavy, sleepy bodies just curl up so easily and rather than yanking hair and earrings the darkness soothes them and little arms and fingers find a resting spot across your chest as they slumber contently in your arms. I love love love it. Even when I'm tired and think I hate it I still love it.

I hate to say goodbye to this first year. I hate that some people will start calling my BABY a toddler. I wish I could freeze time. But I can't, and I know I'll love this next year just as much as the first. I know that my baby will always be MY baby. I know I'll still get snuggles even if I have to wait until she's worn out and ready for bed before I get them. They are worth waiting for.

I've loved this year so much. I love my baby so much. I love being a mama so much more than I ever could have imagined I would have. Now my little munchkin is waking and will be calling for her mama any moment so I must wipe away the tears and enjoy my baby.

Days Like These

2010-08-20T14:19:00.001-07:00

When Mad wakes from a nap I like to let her play in bed for a while before I go to get her. Why? Well, mostly because she will and it gives me a few minutes to finish up whatever I'm in the middle of doing (usually a shower or dishes), and also because who am I to disturb a cheerful baby who is playing happily by herself? I like to wait until she has decided she is done playing and starts to call for me. "Mama? She says. And then it is followed by a long string of loud, "mamamamamamamamama"'s. I love it. I pop my head in the door and she jumps up and down in her bed with the biggest most delicious grin on her face.

Kinda like this, only maybe a little bigger because you can't see her rabbit teeth in this one, looking way too big for her (or my) own good.

Then, once she's in a fresh diaper and sometimes even wearing a real outfit (getting dressed is overrated you know) we head out to play, have a snack, listen to music, read books...all that good stuff. That means all that extra time I had to finish my cleaning is about to be undone because this kid is a whirlwind. And it's not just toys. It's everything! Laundry is her favorite item to spread throughout the house. Diaper laundry especially.

She inherited her father's strange fascination with putting everything she can find on her head. Sometimes if she can't get it to stay she gets annoyed so I help her secure it on top of her crown, but usually I just glance over and there she is with a diaper/lap top sleeve, toy bag, bowl, perched up there and a big grin on her face. I laugh hysterically which only encourages this behavior.

During meal time it's a constant battle on who gets to feed her. Me, the mama with capable hands, or her the BABY with spastic movements and no aversion to having food smothering her from top to bottom.

This picture makes it look like she's mastered the spoon. Let me assure you, based on my kitchen floor after lunch this afternoon, that she certainly has NOT!

When she gets filthy dirty I give up the battle and just let her be as nature intended. I admit it's selfish of me because this view is just about the most adorable in the entire world.

Now, and also a hint at what she will look like as an 80 year old lady.

At the end of the day she smothers us with love before it's time for jammies. Daddy gets the extra special loves as she's a world class daddy's girl. I mean, he might as well start filling up her closet with shoes and designer jeans because he'll never say no to his little girl. Never.

And that, dear friends, is what life is like these days. I want it to never end. Except at 10 PM then I want to sleep allllll night long. I think it's the Summer. I can't imagine Winter being this lovely.

I'll See You in the Morning

2010-08-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing away my daughter is playing peacefully on her own. Which means she is NOT asking me to read slash sing Elmo's Twelve Days of Christmas fifteen times in a row. That's a pretty big deal since that has been her favorite book for the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying that I have an awful voice but let's just say that if I went to a church I probably would NOT be invited to sing with the choir. But Mad loves my singing voice and she's the most important judge in my world, just sayin. Either way, good voice or not, no one wants to hear the Sesame Street version of that annoying Christmas song so many times a day, or ever. The sacrifices I make.

Speaking of sacrifices...I have to sacrifice my Iphone to get her to do something other than read books, allowing me a few moments to sit on the couch. She loves talking on the phone and will jabber away to herself before handing the phone off to me to chat with whatever imaginary person is on the other line. It's her favorite. After books that is. And maybe after eating. This kid will consume more food than her 7 year old cousin! And she still nurses at least 5 times a day and twice at night! Yes, that means she still doesn't sleep through the night.

Oh the sleeping hell she puts me through. I know it's normal for some babies not to sleep through the night at this age but when everyone you know got their child to sleep at 6 months it's really depressing. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. And maybe I am. At around 8 months I got her to sleep for about a month until she started working on all the rest of the teeth in her mouth at the same time as well as learned to move into a sitting position from her tummy. She was restless, uncomfortable and constantly pushing herself up so my previous techniques of calming her in bed stopped working. For a while we let her stay in bed with us, until she no longer wanted to sleep in our bed. Maybe I should have let her cry it out at that point but something inside me just didn't think that was the method to use with her and so I was back to nursing her twice a night. We do have really good nights though, which gives me hope, like last night. She went down at 7 with no issues and slept until 3:30 AM. If only I had gone to bed at 9! Of course she woke for the day at 6:50 AM and I was exhausted all morning. I blame the sun. Damn sunlight telling my offspring to wake for the day. Hate it.

I suppose my point in saying all of this (about sleeping issues) is that The Bear has booked a weekend NYC getaway for us in few weeks, without Baby Bear (!), and I really really want to have her sleeping well before then. I'll rest so much easier while I'm gone knowing that she is sleeping and not waking expecting mama nursies and getting a bottle and someone other than her mama (even if it is Grammy, a pretty awesome substitute). Not to mention that I have NO milk stored and so I have to pump enough for the three days and knowing that I don't have to get enough for 4 night feedings too would be a huge relief. I don't know how I'm going to get enough as it is since I haven't pumped since she was 4 months old.

Enough talk about my mom boobs. Can we return to the fact that I get to go away, ALONE with Mr. Bear, for a whole weekend?!?! I'm beyond excited and pretty nervous too. I know that a lot of parents take vacations alone during the first year of their child's life but I have only spent one night away from her when she was 4 months old and mostly all I did was sleep and then we were back together the next morning. Mr. Bear travels so much that not seeing her every day is normal. I feel like it should be easier for me but I can't stand to imagine my baby wanting me and not understanding why I'm not there for her. Likely she won't even realize I'm gone and that will make me sad too. Really though, I know that time time alone is truly important for my relationship with my Angry Bear and that is what I'm excited for. Plus NYC! Hello! We will have so much fun together. He has been there a lot but I haven't been since I was really young and I couldn't enjoy the things I can now...like drinks! Going out without having to come home and nurse the Baby Bear means I have a lot more freedom. And no curfew! Woo hoo! Now I just have to find some cute things to wear while we are there. What is a vacation without a cute outfit, or three?

Now my Baby Bear is napping, she is a great napper, and I am missing her. She's been extra lovey with me all day, smothering me with kisses and hugging me for no reason at all. Heaven! No wonder I'm afraid of how much I'll miss her! How cute is this picture of her watching the kids play in the water fountains in SLC? Cute! She always props her feet up like this and I just want to eat them for dinner. Yum.

But Oh oh Those Su UH mmer Nights

2010-08-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

Somehow the Summer has flown by and here we are mid-August just weeks away from Autumn and just weeks away from my little baby's birthday. I'm not ready for either. I have a feeling that my little sun lovin girl isn't going to be too pleased when there is snow on the ground. If she is anything like her mama and daddy she will prefer bare toes and the sun on her skin all her life (no winter sports for us, unless you count bubble baths a sport).

For the last few months I have not been able to find my camera cord to upload pics so mostly this is a completely pointless post of image overhaul. I have no idea what order I uploaded these in (wish Blogger had a better photo organization system....) but mostly they are pictures of Mad, she's easy to spot! Wish that having a baby didn't put me into such a writer's block. I've lost all my humor and wit (did I have any before?). I may not be a deep philosophical writer like my sister or father but I always thought this blog wasn't too awful to read. Now, ugh, unless you love pictures of the same person (and a damn cute person at that) and hearing me rant about how disorganized my home is (STILL!!!) it has turned rather blah. Someday I'll work on that by getting my life more exciting.

This last one is of Mad and her Uncle Bri. It's pretty much my favorite picture of the day.

Lazy Days?

2010-07-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

The summer is passing too quickly and I fear that if I focus too much on it ending, it will already be over before I enjoy these last weeks. And by enjoy I mean totally overwork myself in an attempt to get our house/yard/life organized and beautified by Mad's (if Mr. Bear is the original Angry Bear then our Baby Bear, who will soon not be the babiest of baby bears, can be my Mad Bear, since Mad is what I call her at home. Though I can't say I'll let go completely of my Baby Bear nickname anytime soon, or ever at all) 1st birthday. Birthday + party = people in my house.

I don't want my family and friends who haven't seen this place yet to think we're those awesome neighbors with dead grass. That might be what we are now but after this past weekend we are the awesome neighbors with dead grass and new randomly placed plants. Plus some piles of old ugly mulch that we are trying to get rid of (there is a lot of it!).

Rewind for just a minute. Can you believe this little imp is going to be 1? ONE!

Basically since buying the house I've worked my body to the bone and found even more energy than I ever realized I had. I can cook, clean, care, AND do yard work. Except on the days I work in the yard it's nearly impossible to get anything else done. I spent almost all day Saturday & Sunday outside trying to get the front yard ready for new grass. I'm sunburned and sore but we made progress. Unfortunately when I work in the yard I miss this little lady as she buzzes around the house doing what she does. Have I mentioned that she will be 1 in two months? I'm not ready for it. Already she feel so big in my arms when I nurse her. My sweet sweet baby.

This is her being a bookworm. She loves to read just like her mama and daddy.

You Have it & Then You Don't

2010-07-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

Truly it has been an overwhelming feat getting adjusted and settled, neither of which I've done completely yet. Each morning I'm pulled in 3 directions. Play with baby, clean the house, or organize and unpack what is left in boxes. There is so much to do every day that I just start everything at once. We play on the floor for two minutes before I plop Baby Bear into her high chair and get out some breakfast dishes. Then I fold the laundry, after giving Baby something to make noise with of course, wash two dishes, and finish breakfast. When Baby Bear goes down for her first nap I am pulled in two more directions. Finish the chores I halfheartedly started, or shower because, lets be honest I look pretty awful. Before I realize what exactly I'm doing I find myself outside dressed in cotton shorts, my night nursing bra hanging out of a tank top, and an over sized cardigan, watering our practically dead trees. Once the trees are watered (thank God I took care of that urgent chore!?) I go into overdrive trying to finish what I started.

I won't lie, my house looks incredible for, oh, about 10 minutes every day. But don't you know that once you clean a mess up it's cause for making another? It's true. Breakfast mess gives way to lunch mess which is simply a prelude to the massive dinner mess. I can get the first two cleaned up fairly quickly and the third I'm working on. Working really hard, can't you tell? I suppose I should congratulate myself on making meals at all! The last couple of months, er since I was about 5 months pregnant, I've been slacking in the cooking department. I've made a small handful of meals but in truth The Bear has really been doing the bulk of the cooking or we have just been eating out. No more. I am truly striving to be the perfect housewife & mother. Next thing you know I'll be wearing dresses and low kitten heels while I cook in my lacy apron instead of too big rolled up jeans and a t-shirt that accentuates my postpartum belly.

I want to be that woman who has a hot meal ready when her man walks through the door. But who the hell are those women anyway? Robots? Do their babies not demand attention? Do they have a magical shower that also cooks meals and does laundry when you turn them on? Maybe I've yet to master the art of manipulating space and time. Could someone please send me that "how to" book? I keep reassuring myself that I'll get the hang of it, That I won't feel like I have to constantly choose between a shower and a clean house, time with my daughter or cooking a fresh healthy meal, sanity or complete and total INSANITY! Alas, today I am still struggling to figure it out. A hot shower not followed up by hair styling, a meal that took far too long and tasted far too mediocre, folded laundry that never found its way to the closet. I suppose I now know where to start tomorrow morning.......

*Here are some pics of Baby this last week. And no, I don't usually leave remotes and cords hanging around. Oh the joys of unpacking!

Home Sweet Home

2010-07-14T07:43:00.001-07:00

It's 8:45 AM and Baby Bear is already down for her first nap. There is a garage full of boxes that I should be going through and a kitchen to clean. My bed needs to be made and one would think I'd take this quiet time to shower and dress for the day. But I'm exhausted. More than anything I want to nap but I fear it will be even more difficult to wake in an hour when nap time is over. My eyes burn today, more so as I think of the hours ahead.

We aren't yet settled enough that I have coffee waiting to brew so my mind is lagging this week. About mid afternoon, when my body is ready for sleep, my mind finally seems to catch up. I scratch my head and look at the piles I've managed to make while unpacking. It takes every last inch of energy to clear the piles out and organize my things the best I know how (obsessively) so things look better when The Bear arrives home from work. The kitchen must wait until after dinner when I get some sort of second wind.

By the end of the day my back aches and I think of all that is left to do. Pillows are towering at the bottom of the stairs waiting for a case. I know they all had one when we packed yet somehow they all seem to be missing. Just when I'm ready to take a few minutes to sit outside with a beer and some cookies, watch the stars, and worry about my sisters and their troubles, Baby Bear wakes. She is either genuinely upset and uncomfortable or she has learned if she cries and fights enough I'll pick her up, snuggle her into my warm chest, and rock her until she is asleep again. Refusing to allow me to put her back down I give in and put her in our bed where she snuggles on Mr. Bear's chest while they watch some Adult Swim cartoon on the IPad. I brush my teeth and climb in bed with them. I still ate my cookies. An hour later Baby is finally asleep in her own bed and I crash into mine. I was probably too grumpy with Mr. Bear that evening but hopefully he knows how much I love and need him. The hours of sleep I get don't feel rejuvenating enough and 7 AM is here before I know it. Which is what brought me to this moment of exhaustion.

But I love this house, oh, I really love it. I don't feel deserving of such a beautiful home. Even now, exhausted and lazy in my unmade bed, the morning light is beaming through our huge bedrooms windows. If only I had coffee I could sit outside and begin my day right. Baby Bear loves it too. She climbs the long staircase every chance she gets (even though she seems too small to climb so many stairs she's been doing it for weeks now, it took her only two tries to figure out how to maneuver them properly) and hauls her little self up onto every piece of furniture she can reach. If it's on the floor and taller than her (sitting down) it must be meant for climbing. Mr. Bear loves it too. He cooks me dinner in the kitchen (lentil walnut veggie burgers with yogurt cream sauce FROM SCRATCH!), he weeds the dead, overgrown yard, he putters around wishing he could feel settled and worrying, I'm sure, about bills and new larger mortgage payments.

*edit My battery died after that last sentence and then I didn't have internet set up yet sooo....I've forgotten if I was going to end with something intriguing. I wrote this about, oh, 5 days ago.

It's What We Do & How We Do It

2010-07-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Baby Bear is napping. We're going on two days of napping more than an hour each nap. = Heaven! Mr. Bear just left again, off to New York City until Saturday morning when he returns. On Sunday night he flew to L.A., then to San Fran on Tuesday, home to us for Wednesday night to drop off presents and snuggle with me in bed for one night, and now he's gone once more. So I'm here, trying to make time to write while wearing new pink shoes and the prettiest of pretty new earrings. Mr. Bear spoils Baby and I. He says he doesn't care if Baby Bear wears jammies all day long but he must be lying because he has impeccable taste in baby clothes (and shoes too!). He also buys the best jewelry (see photo).

While The Bear has been gone this week Baby has learned to crawl up the stairs and call for her Dada in the morning. The first morning he was gone she woke up at 3:30, in my bed of course, and said, in the sweetest yell you've ever heard, "Dada? Daaaaada?". He wasn't there to answer. This morning she was up at 6:30 and sat up, climbed on top of The Bear and hollared, "Daaaaa. Dada.", it was lovely. For the next hour she crawled around the bed smacking her lips before moving in for the slobber fest that is her kiss. She completes this kiss by chomping down on my face with her razor sharp teeth. It hurts. A lot. Then she cackles and smacks her lips in search of her next victim. I may start waking up in the dead of night panicky because I can hear lips smacking, coming to claim my flesh. I have a child zombie only she hasn't yet broken skin.

Tonight it will just be the two of us again. Hopefully by the time The Bear is home we will know if we have a house yet. All I'll say is that we've found our home, the one I see us raising our babies in the for the foreseeable future, but the market is so complicated right now and it seems that all the forces are working against us successfully becoming home owners. Let me just say, it's not us, it's them. If I never hear the words "short sell" or "negotiating price" or "bank" ever again it will be too soon. Now I have to go mentally prepare myself for a hectic weekend of BBQing and extended family by taking three shots of tequila (kidding, sort of). Yayhoo.

All the Fish in the Sea

2010-06-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

Since having a baby and leaving my "job" 9 months ago I've more or less been stuck in gloomy Utah weather. That means that Baby Bear and I have exhausted every toy option in the house multiple times a day. I always told Mr. Bear that when Summer came I was going to get a season pass to 7 Peaks (local water park) so we could swim every day. To me that was when the stay at home parenting perks really came into play.

I suppose when I originally thought this plan through I didn't realize how hard it would be to go to a pool with a baby so frequently nor did I imagine that I would still be struggling to drop my baby weight at this point, making my desire to hit the pool a lot less enthusiastic. Needless to say I do not have a season pass to the water park nor do I have the energy to take Baby there every day. But, although Summer has been slow to hit us, as the warm crept up my skin began to itch for some vitamin D.....and I really wanted to get good use out of the adorable swimming suit The Bear bought for his baby girl whilst still a little lump of love in my belly. Last week I buckled down and searched Land's End for a suitable bathing suit for myself (as much as I love sea horses and chubby baby bums in spandex my chubby bottom can't quite pull off such a style). Thank Zeus himself for tummy control skirt bottoms and halter tops tankinis.

After dreading what I'd look like sporting my new style out in public, white as the stuffing of an Oreo cookie and as chubby as someone who just ate a LOT of them, all last weekend, I sent my sister a text suggesting the Baby Bear and I join her and the kids at the pool today. And ho boy was it worth it! Baby was in HEAVEN in the water watching all the kids play and swishing her legs under the water, comfy in her new water float. At one point she reclined in her seat, letting her legs float up to the top of the water, as she bobbed around the busy pool. All she need was a Corona with lime to confirm she really IS my daughter. We spent a few hours playing today and if she wasn't so tired I'm sure we could have stayed until the sun went down. I even got some sun....but sssshhhh The Bear will be very upset if he knows how red my back and shoulders are. OUCH! Baby is still a lovely shade of creamy white thanks to thick layers of sun screen, I just didn't do my own skin the same justice.

We might not make it out more than a couple times a week but this is the parenting perk I've been needing. As much as I love to do laundry and make beds it just doesn't compare to spending a day in the sun. After a BBQ with my parents I dropped my sister and her kids off at their house. I rolled the window down and yelled out to my nephew, "are you sure you don't want to come live with me and let me be your mama?", "as soon as my mommy doesn't tum home I will!" he yelled back, and then added, "and when she doesn't tum back I will det her phone!". Oh man I love that kid; his big sister too. Best Summer day thus far.

This post is dedicated to my sister Amy for sharing her kids and her pool with me...and also to tummy control swimming suits.

Weekend Update

2010-06-06T22:06:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had the flu. It was awful. I can't thank myself enough for getting sick on the weekend though, when The Bear is home from work to help me out. I threw up on the side of the road because I thought I was better when I really wasn't. Thankfully it only lasted 24 hours.

Tonight Mr. Bear and I sat outside under the stars. We talked and watched old videos of Baby Bear on his Iphone. I admit I cried, I just miss my little itsy baby so much (but I love my big independent baby too). Little babies make me cry a lot. My friend has the sweetest little baby girl and I just well up with tears when I see her pictures too. Sometimes I see little babies in public places and I stare a lot and make weird "awww cute" holding back tears at the sweetness, mama faces at them. I can't help myself. Maybe it's a lack of sleep, maybe I just haven't been snuggling enough with my sweet girl since she's been sleeping all night in her own bed. Maybe the milk in my chest pushes tears out of my eyes involuntarily. Who knows.

Speaking of tears. I just bought a swimming suit. In 4-7 days I'm really going to have something to cry about. At least I got a bottom with a tummy control option. That's a good thing right? RIGHT??? Ok, how about this. At least I got 10 bucks off plus free shipping. My advice to free stuff while online shopping is to Google search "company name" coupon codes. Works almost every time.

To end I have to share some sweet pics of Baby Bear. Mr. Bear's brother and I put our heads together and did this photo shoot in his living room. I love them but everyone keeps saying the balloons makes it look like a birthday shoot. Haters. Thanks B for spending so much time on this for me. M&m love you lots.

A Clean House Is A Happy House

2010-05-25T14:36:00.001-07:00

Today as I sat, exhausted from a day of busy house/baby work, folding diapers I realized something, something kind of important to me. I finally, after all these months, feel like I'm living up to my roll as "wife" and mother. I don't know if I've just gotten the hang of things or if moving into a bigger space, even if it's not my own home yet, has alleviated the claustrophobic depression I was feeling in the condo. Or maybe spending some hours in the sun these past few weeks has really made me that much more capable, I wouldn't be surprised; it's been a long winter. Whatever it is I'm surprising myself more every day as I take on the cleaning, feedings, diaper changes, nap times, laundry and more, that used to exhaust me before I'd even finished a portion of what needed to get done that day.

Example? I've made my bed for at least 7 days in a row. That's impressive right? Maybe you have always made your bed every day. Good for you! I haven't. Bed making always seemed so ridiculous to me because I was just going to get in bed again that night. I'd go through phases where I'd make on occasion and when I was single I often made my bed, but I was never much of a messy sleeper so it was simply a matter of pulling the corner of my blankets up and putting pretty pillows out. Mr. Bear is NOT a neat sleeper and kicks the blankets every which way. This means that to make the bed I have to untangle the maze of sheets and comforters, readjust & fluff the pillows, and start from the very beginning (all the bed items pulled off the bed) every time. But having a neat and tidy bed feels good I've realized and what's more I don't feel like my bedroom should have to be a place that the door is closed to. Having a "made" bed IS important after all but it is a task that is easily skipped over when there are millions of other things to do. ANYWAY, my point is, I'm finding the energy to do the things that aren't always at the top of my "to do" list and for that I deserve a drink. Or two.

Perhaps a big contribution to this whole "successful" feeling is that I'm THIS CLOSE to feeling like I can say we've got a Baby Bear who sleeps through the night. I wholly underestimated her when it came to bedtime and nights without nursing. We did it without screaming for hours, though tears WERE involved (aren't a few of them inevitable when you have a tired, cranky baby?), and what's more I learned a lot about my relationship with my daughter. The first night she went down easily, as usual, but woke just a couple hours later in tears. I let her fuss for a bit to see if she was just searching for her binky and would go back down on her own. The Bear went in after a few minutes and oh boy did that piss her off. He tried to pick her up to calm her down but she wasn't having any of that. So I went in, I sang to her and held her hand, patted her back, assured her that she just needed to sleep and we were right there for her and she quieted down. The second night was easier and she only had to hear my voice from the doorway before she fell to sleep again. The third night she slept all the way through until 5 AM the next day. Last night was the same.

All that stress and all of the tears I shed over my insecurity in this situation and what I really needed to do was listen to my own mommy instincts. I don't doubt that we will have plenty of rough nights, no one ever sleeps perfectly all the time (and if they do I want to learn their tricks!) but if we can make it through this week I'll consider it an accomplished milestone.

Now I must return to my productive day; I have diapers in the wash, diapers sitting in the sun, wool drying, and about 3 more loads of wash that are nagging at me.